Mad Rush

This blog has moved!

2010-10-10T19:44:00.000+08:00

This blog has a new home. Here!

Let me tell you all...

2010-01-31T19:04:00.000+08:00

One

I have had this idea in my head for quite some time now but I haven't really finalized how I want to present it in this site. As you might have noticed, I did a lot of traveling last 2009. It was a year of firsts for me--from the turbo-prop plane to Siem Reap, Cambodia to the wintry sands of Bondi beach--and I want to write article after article on the experiences. And this year, late as it may seem, let me tell you all about these places, these people, these feelings.

Have you ever been to a shoe store to buy a new pair and end up not being able to choose which one you like because of the overwhelming options to choose from? That same shopping paralysis delayed my posts about these travels. How do you say, in a thousand words or less, everything about a certain place or a particular setting? The term lost-for-words comes to mind.

And I can't really be faulted in that regard. How do I exactly express what standing in front of this pond, with the sun on my face, and the crisp cold air on my neck, and the silence of the place, meant to me?

The experience is as varied as it is unique to the individual, and it makes writing a review about a place or a travel rather presumptious on the part of the author. But in the next few articles, I will choose to be presumptious and share my own experiences. However, allow me to illustrate them with pictures so everyone can give "being there" a try.

to be continued...

Running Through

2010-01-15T03:53:00.000+08:00

I'm caught up in the current resurgence of running as a sport/hobby in the country. Blame it on the expansive jogging lanes of Perth and the active lifestyle of Australians that rubbed off on me when I stayed there for a couple of weeks.

That, and the fact that I kicked the habit resulting to an exponential increase in unsightly adipose deposits all over my already unsightly body led me to think that (you can breath now, the previous string of words was supposed to be read in rapid succession affecting a black accent, go read that again) if I'd want to get fit, I need an activity I'd enjoy, hence running.

Why running? Because all I need to be able to run are the following: good shoes, shorts, shirt (optional, ask Matthew Mcconaughey), and a road to run on. I don't need to rely on a partner's schedule as in badminton, I don't need a costly racket as in tennis, and I don't need a special court to do it.

So if you feel like getting fit and practicing your hard-earned ability as bipeds who can run to avoid the predators of ages past, UP is a good place to start. Who knows, the running bug might just bite you.

Coming full circle

2010-01-11T15:54:00.000+08:00

I have tried creating a new website just to start fresh and leave the "baggage" of past posts behind but to no avail. I keep on comparing how easy it is to blog in multiply and blogspot than in the other free services I was attempting to birth my new website with.

I have come full circle and decided to work on this blog. This may not be perfect, as evidenced by my adolescent-cringe-inducing posts, but this blog in a way documented these events in my life. If need be, it would be easy for me to look back and see how far we've all come and what we've learned. It would be funny to read all the attempts to compose a coherent post and still still post mindless ramblings.

In the spirit of new beginnings, let it be known then that I will be bringing this site out of its lethargic dormancy and finally post blog and pictures anew. Seriously. (The fact that the post immediately before this one is also about reactivating this blog necessitated the use of the term "seriously" haha!)

Blog Renew

2009-09-21T20:42:00.000+08:00

I have finally found time to start working on my blog again. Things are still under construction but I will be reviving this site hopefully by the end of the week.

The lay-out is designed by someone else, as you can see from the credit footer, but I just changed up the banner image with something more personal. The image was taken during my 2009 visit to Perth, from one of those parks I've visited. It somehow reminds me why I blog: the momentary stop, the sudden lull.

So there, hopefully I don't get too lazy to fix the page and upload a bulk of overdue pictures and blog articles.

'Til the weekend.

shit happens

2007-10-08T18:11:00.000+08:00

Guess what? It just did!

Now I don't remember where that previous post came from. A literary crap just got posted as with everything else found on this blog anyway.

Hurrah my un-miserable life officially ends with the posting of this new entry! After a while of dullness and uneventful existence, I froth with bitterness once more, as if that's something new. In case you failed to notice, I am not proud of this feeling nor I want it in me so this dump has to take it.

First off, I have this friend whom I consider my best but whom I know nothing of. I didn't even know she loves mango juice...well who doesn't? Measure of closeness? I have no idea. Ask the mango juice anyway.

Seriously, I think I am emotionally messed-up and this friendship lives on because my friend has friendly-ness enough for both of us. I like it that way...I am a jerk.

Second, I've officially ended any semblance of relationship with her. Not even an iota still remains. That's what I keep telling myself every single day--a sick mantra lulling me into numbness. Why did it take this long to finally surrender? I have a way of deluding myself about certain realities so don't ask me.

I hurt people. I constantly do. I know I should keep it in when it's about to burst but I just feel lazy reining it in. Let my fury roll and blast my friends to shreds, there is always a time to apologize...too much ado about nothing really.

Third, when I feel crappy, I need my blog.

Eating my Cake

2007-07-25T20:19:00.000+08:00

It's really surreal how things turned out. Second week on the job and I'm still loving it. I'll give it a month and see if the excitement tapers off since I can't objectively comment on the merits of the company I'm working with as of the moment. As of now, I can say I got my cake and I am currently eating it too. I am hoping it doesn't turn out moldy though. I have my reservations.

Managing the extremely steep learning curve in an equation-filled training is no mean feat. I have been stretching my neurons to the limit just trying to digest Darcy's Law to usable, understandable, humane levels. Looking around the harshly lit conference room reveals only two females in the brain mix. One is a shy geologist who doesn't realize her own potential yet (she's the only one with a post-graduate degree in their department) and the other is a talent in a small package--small means the 6' 1" professor has to kneel good-naturedly so they'll fit in the photo ops.

A large number of Indonesian engineers were with us and "from where I'm sitting"--thanks Ate Glo--I can say that we are the better English speakers. My seatmate is a polite Moslem, yes that's how it's spelled, who I initially thought was being rude when he kept on going out in the middle of the lectures. He'd always be back after washing his face due to his impeccable hygiene. It seemed gross though when I saw him pass a towel-like thing to his friend and then I realized he wasn't just washing his face every time he went out. He was praying.

The agnostic me didn't realize the existence of peoples and cultures out there that really adhere to the strict rules of their customs and religions. They pray a lot of times daily washing their faces, arms and feet each time prior to facing Mecca. Very admirable and yes...very polite.

The culturally-diverse training was very enlightening not just on the technical part but as well as on the social part. We appreciate and learn tolerance and mutual respect for things we don't usually understand. Prejudice has no place in a global workplace and I guess I have matured a tiny bit as well. Props to Dr. Horne from Stanford who is the authority in his engineering field.

On a side note, I am trying to read through the HP 7 e-book (yes yes I'll get the paper edition) but Ludlum is sidetracking me. Oh and the engineering books are pretty insistent as well.

*blogspot is not allowed in the office even during lunch break...multiply is...wondering if I'll make the big switch...

Smiling Your Way to the Top

2007-07-18T21:16:00.000+08:00

Alright I need to uhh... write stuff else I will lose the need to uhh...write!

I've started work last Monday. Yes it was my third day a while ago and it's been fun. I am just finding it difficult to get a real feel of what the culture of the company is like..it is very shifty because it swings from all goofy, to serious while being goofy, to just plain dead-serious. When the cue to swing the atmosphere happens? I have no idea.

I guess it's part of being new to something. But in hindsight, the meetings are like org meetings with updates, segues (a lot), serious stuff...the works, so there isn't much to adjust to in that quadrant. However, I really am clueless when it comes to dealing with your boss, your boss's boss (err bigger boss?), your seniors, and your colleagues. There is no perceivable difference based on my radar and I am tearing my hair out to find the safest and most courteous way of dealing with everyone. Or maybe I shouldn't just care. They don't.

No confidential info would be divulged here though. I might just as well walk the plank and lay my head on the chopping block. There are a lot of interesting people here. Different personalities and different relationships gleaned on the basis of their differing smiles. Yes, they are an all-smiling group from their fingertips down to their toes. I guess I should put up a psychology theory based on smiles.

Some are sweet, others are pa-sweet, a few are patronizing, one is hearty, majority is polite, some are picture-perfect...uhh..no..practiced. I wonder behind which is genuine. Maybe all. Maybe none. I've always had the idea that the corporate world is a dog-eat-dog world and my observations just don't fit the model. Is this the haven of vegetarian dogs only? I certainly would love the idea.

Don't get me wrong, I thrive in competition but I should have a valid reason why I need to trump the person, even my own person. When everyone has an everything-is-peachy attitude, I just get unfocused. Maybe I should just get the job done...no, have it done in the best way possible. Goal one is zero mediocrity!

So far, therefore, so good. Maybe I'm just paranoid because it is my first job. Technically untrue because my first job was being an accomplished Lolo-extortionist but I guess those are the jobs we tend to gracefully forget.

Ray of Light

2007-06-14T21:22:00.000+08:00

It would've not come at a better time..

Just when I thought I'd be at the dregs of the corporate food-chain, I have a job offer meeting again tomorrow hurrah! Here's the secret...be late for 10 minutes for a grand entrance, excuse yourself graciously for tardiness due to some emergency, charm everyone with your wit (ehem), and have your nasty phone ring loudly in the middle of the interview. Quite the recipe huh!

It was fun. But I haven't thought my performance was worth a job offer though. Incredulous doesn't begin to describe it but know that I am deeply grateful.

Tomorrow is a big decision day for me. I hope I make the right choices and live with the consequences for a significant period of my starting career.

By the way, they didn't find me the least bit unstable when it comes to my infamous emotions.

Vindicated? Very.

Emo

2007-05-31T15:08:00.001+08:00

I just came from an interview. Yet again. It's still not a job offer though. My skeptic self feels vindicated. There are three of us being considered for the position and I somehow have the sinking feeling that I won't snag it.

You see, I am very observant. I notice when the person I'm talking with becomes the person I'm talking to. But what really caught my wandering eye was the note on the employer's folder about me. "Applicantr seems to be an emotional person. He might be subject to mood swings. We need an emotionally stable candidate for the position so please ask the following questions..." They got it wrong. I am an emotional person. But being emotional means mood swings? Non sequitur.

I do understand that behavioral interviews are important for a company to have an idea of a candidate's personality. But for Pete's sake, it will be the determinant of my getting hired or not when the employer is not even a licensed psychologist or psychiatrist or what have you.

When the playing field is made uneven by subjectivism, I can only hope for the best. When the perfect fit is not based on competence alone but on personalities, I am headed out like Melinda Doolittle or Raul Roco for that matter. Yes, I am very personable just to put the record straight. But I feel bad about inequalities. Everyone should have an equal oppurtunity to soar.

Emotional or not, I wouldn't sweat much about it.

Transition

2007-05-29T12:57:00.000+08:00

The review sessions are starting but I still don't have the heart to study. I should be starting soon else I would cram the whole review and kill myself understanding a lot of concepts.

I am still your professional interviewee looking for that purrfect job. A friend said that I am THE most interviewed person from our batch hehe. So far, no luck yet. But I am starting to feel confident in interviews and starting to somehow suppress mannerisms and ugly body language while speaking that I feel luck is waiting for me right around the corner.

Had to turn down some offers though. I felt really confused and it was a very difficult decision but I had to let go. It's not about the money, though I admit I am not financially afloat, but the nature of the work. I somehow realized that I want a job suited to my skills and training as an engineer. Not a job that would pay the bills and buy me things while it drains my optimism and everything I worked hard for. I just don't want to drag myself to work. I hope I did the right decision.

More career woes. I want to be a student again.

Alive Alive

2007-04-11T20:27:00.000+08:00

Alive again after months of hopping in and out of my still colorless blog. Hohum, I wonder if I should start changing templates for once? Naah, 'tis working anyway. Except for some minor glitches with the formats when viewed with ie and mozilla, I think it still works for me though.

Okay, since February...cut the crap! Let's not talk about events eons ago. We capped off our acad-mode-we're-nearly-dead life with an outing. Sadly, we weren't able to attend the KEM outing so we went up to the mountains of Antipolo for some nice, cold, err freezing dip. Why on earth did people think that a pool on the friggin' side of a mountain is practical? Mentally drained as we are, we went up the hill to take an overnight dip. And I came tumbling after so to speak. Idiot! I should have read the MSDS of GSM Blue before gulping much of the liquid from two very unassuming bottles. I felt like a rookie not knowing when to shut my stupid mouth.

My university life is at an end...hey bumatay-cruz, submit those eng30 grades now or else...and it's kind of surreal. Five years of living an experience I wouldn't trade for anything else is something UP only can give. I thank my alma mater for the man that I am now and for giving me the wisdom to see the man I want to be. I don't want this to be a nostalgic post so let us let the keyboard rest. Oh and by the way, I am excited to see our sunflowers hehe.

Quitting You

2007-02-13T10:49:00.000+08:00

The frozen chill of love creeps in. The first month of hearts that I won't think of her agrees with the idea of icy nostalgia—cold mornings, dry grass, falling leaves. The idea of quitting you is altogether daunting and very discouraging.

Smoking kills. I have to start living somehow.

For one, I always seem to see her in my peripheral vision. So much for avoiding a direct hit from my seeking eyes. I always wanted to be near yet must be unnoticed. The rush in my veins must be tempered with false apathy else I burst in maddened paranoia. Then there's the smile...

The god-forsaken slit in the face leaves me spaced out and smiling dumbly. That disturbing feeling of affirmation that she somehow used to know me.

Smoking is addictive. Once you puff, you can't stop the stuff.

God, I so hate to quit you. There are thousands of reasons why I am doomed to fail in this impossibility. But postponing it would just be prolonging the agony I don't fancy anymore. Her hair, her touch, her thoughts, and her what-not seem to mock my would-be efforts at breaking my self-created misery. And yes, the misery I will definitely miss.

The pervasive illusion of her discontent over my ineptitude and over my obvious lack of manly charms would have to end. Looking back, everything seems pointless and self-serving. Years of mulling over the last thing she said, over that face, over that event, were years of life in the sun unspent.

Cigarettes are for intellectuals...not for posers.

The world without colors was especially created just for her. I have to look for that lost paintbrush now.

Smoking soothes the mind. The bad aftertaste is the happiness I scorned.

Engineering Week Na!!!

2006-12-09T18:07:00.000+08:00

Acads? What Acads!? My last Eng'g Week: Eng'grande has started. The fun, the energy, and the passion to win are making the very air sizzle. So let's start with the updates.

December 07: Day 01

The genmeet started 10 am. Everyone was having a blast decorating the UP KEM coat of arms using food and other edible stuff—that is if you consider uncooked atsuete edible. Elpee was busy shooting down apples using a kiddie bow and arrow. Benjo was the biggest winner. He placed second in the pie eating contest. The pie by the way was supposed to be “buko” pie but it tasted like gaw-gaw (cornstarch) mixed with buko juice stuffed in a tough crust. Down the gaw-gaw pie with C2 lite green tea and you pretty much have an idea of what he had to go through for the love of KEM.

Then, tadaaah! Smoker's Night!!!!! Yes, that much exclamation point! The KEM Smoker's team did a good job. Hat's off to Giselle for a very sexy Dean Guevarra. I wasn't able to watch the whole event though. Aggre won, 2^nd Circuit, 3^rd Erg. Amfness, we were still the best! The judges were just plain lousy.

Over-all ranking: 1. Aggre (hmm) 2. KEM 3. IEC

December 08: Day 02

Kanalan and Jammeng'g Day! KEM took the Kanalan Championship wohoo! Props to Steve, Jecho, and Elpee. The other KEM team placed fourth. Second was MSS and third was IEC.

The volleybagan women's team fought bravely, with Martin on the war-mode hehe but they had to bow down to IEC's varsity team in the finals and the mixed team was also great but Jecho, being in Kanalan, was not able to play. Good setter gone, the KEM team still fought hard but Aggre took the crown. The men's team placed third after battling with Eng'gsoc. The volleybagan team has improved much from last year's performance. After the Allen-Roger powerhouse, we now have points from volleybagan yipee!!

Jammeng'g was great. We didn't win though. Hmm, must be the verses I forgot to sing hehe. Thak you Kemers for the support. IEC won. 2^nd Erg, 3^rd Alchemes.

I don't have news about the rankings though. But I heard from the wires that KEM was still ahead of IEC by 80-100 points. Must be from the other events I wasn't able to watch.

December 09: Day 03

Frisbee, Amazeng'g Race, Street Soccer, women can't jump, etc. Basically an IEC day but god thing KEM still fights on. As maam de leon puts it, rise above your predicaments! KEM's relentless passion to enjoy and win the games is still sky high.

Dateng'g game tonight will be at the Treehouse resto. Ehem, ehem, Angge gogogo!

More updates to come hehe.

I am really touched seeing the KEM alumni during the games. Para po sa Taas, sa inyo, at sa buong KEM ang lahat ng sigaw, hataw, indak, kanta, akting, tawa, luha, pawis, pagod at puyat ng mga Kemers.

K-E-M Go Fight! K-E-M Go Fight! K-E-M Go Fight! Mekirat Go Fight Kill!!!

Digest

2006-11-19T15:48:00.000+08:00

I always visit this page but I can't find anything blogworthy in my life right now. Well, there is Awitan and there is school but...it would raise belzebub from the dead if I start ranting about it here. Okay, so what has been happening in my sometimes-boring-sometimes-cruel life these past months?

October

Had to finish a lot of presentations and papers. I stayed in a hotel for five days as a participant of the Unilever Business Week. That, I must say, was the best training I attended—great insights, great people, great venue, great food.

Got a 2.5 from Dr Chu for my 141. I was totally blown over by the grade gap. And judging from the way I daydreamed in his class yesterday, I would pretty much get this or a 3.0 in my 142.

Because of the 2.5, I lost my CS-US streak and posted a GWA of 1.7625. Close but not enough (whew).

November

I went home for a 4-day vacation. Got myself mauled by the narrow bus seat and had to endure stinky seat mate just to see dead people and offer them candles. Will that really please them? I thought they just wouldn't care. That's what being dead is all about. By the way, I just remembered...I don't want R.I.P. on my head or feet, er whichever, when I'm six feet under, I prefer “Hakuna Matata.” Had to update my last will and testament.

I was getting pretty heady with the “Oooh you're so thin and Oooh you've lost a lot of weight” exclamations until my mom, being the grinch that she is, pulled me back to earth with a classic “are you sure you're not into drugs or something illegal?” As if... Oh well, I had to gobble food like I'm gonna be hanged the next morning just to ease her worries.

Reconnected with a uhh.. friend. Hmmm her husband thinks I'm out to destroy their first wedding anniversary so he was barricading her. Got the kicks out of flirting and being in places where they'd see me but nothing else. Maybe I am over her. Or not.

Went back to UP. Had to go through hell again to enlist. My favorite line for the enlistment is “I have suffered enough...Don't prolong my agony with your ineptitude, incompetence, and general lack of uhh competence!”

Last post was about friendship. It may not be that obvious but I had to unload my system with those friendship woes. Time flies so fast and we don't know each other anymore. Our connections are strained because of misunderstandings and miscommunication. There's just too much mis-whatnot. A lot of us are killing ourselves with the great balancing act of career and relationships. Still, some are just plain immature and selfish. Others hide in the comforting cloak of apathy and pretend nothing is wrong. This is the great recipe of a barkada meltdown.

I guess we are strong enough to overcome this. But the best way to do it is to face the issue. No. We need to recognize first that there is something wrong.

I miss being happy.

Note:

I was not blackmailing you. It's just unfair for you people to quote me out of context.

The 4th Dimension

2006-09-27T13:30:00.000+08:00

There is a time for everything. A time to laugh, to weep, to fly, to die. Always we see things in either monochromes or swirling rainbows. The laughter, we forget...the weeping we cherish...such a cruel state.

There was a time for everything. To talk about anything under the sun, to laugh over silly jokes, to cry over shared grief. No more. The water clock dried up.

Have you ever told anyone that you'd love them forever? Or mayhaps, that you would be there for each other forever? I, in all truth, doesn't know how long forever is. Oaths break, relationships deteriorate, edifices crumble. There is time and it wastes us all away. Never promise.

Silly how fragile all things are. Easily we hurt and die of the mortification that follows. We let time go by as we watch the green pus ooze out of our putrefaction without noticing how we slowly, deliberately, kill ourselves.

Time is running out.

Weird

2006-09-06T03:55:00.000+08:00

i found some weird stuff while trying to create a semblance of a write-up for the yearbook. I don't actually believe in generalizations with regards to traits of people of the same birth-sign. Anyway, I found this one creepily accurate and I am starting to wonder...hmmm

Outgoing personality. takes risks. feeds on attention. No self-control. Kind hearted. Self-confident. Loud and boisterous. VERY revengeful. Easy to get along with and talk to. Has an "every thing's peachy" attitude. Likes talking and singing. Loves music. Daydreamer. Easily distracted. Hates not being trusted. BIG imagination. Loves to be loved. Hates studying. in need of "that someone". Longs for freedom. Rebellious when withheld or restricted. Lives by "no pain no gain" caring. Always a suspect. Playful. Mysterious. "charming" or "beautiful" to everyone. stubborn. curious. Independent. Strong willed. A fighter.

About 95% of this applies to me and it just freaks me out. I've always wondered what the BA Psych students do after college...I guess I ran across one of their life's work.

The Ice Princess

2006-08-01T14:30:00.000+08:00

This post is quite weird...I just came from my gradpic session and boy was it uhhmm..great, for lack of a better adjective. I haven't slept yet and my id is somewhat taking over my super ego as I keep on dozing away to limbo everytime my back kisses a surface for about one minute.

Everyone came so prepared especially the girls. Well that was expected...I always know she would look great, but she looked WOW, then sigh, then note-to-self that I am the King of Pain and as decreed by the Divine Council, the Ice Princess looks down on everything else except herself.

Paranoia, excitement, weird guilt...I didn't really know how to interpret her being the Ice Princess in the grad pic session. Did she know about this blog? Should I feel accomplished that the bits where I put my trust into have finally caught up with her? Or do I want her to know me here?

People said that blogging is a loser's past time. Sharing your deepest vulnerabilities to a screen blasted by electrons every other millisecond doesn't suggest emotional stability. The same thing with keeping a diary...why would you write on it when you don't want it read. Hmmm, some part of me I guess, wants her to read everything in here for her to understand where I'm coming from...but the defensive side of me says "Yeah, call me a loser. I just want to put my thoughts into words and blah blah blah, crappy crap crap."

If you have been reading these all this time, then let me say welcome! If people have been telling you my thoughts, then to hell with them! For my benefit or not...I guess it's none of their business anyway. After all, this is still my blog hehe.

====+++====

I've read a friend's blog preaching about growing up fast...that's a pointless view I guess. Some people do force theirselves to be nerfed and age with the maturity of a goat. It's their choice...but given a choice to grow up fast? Wouldn't anyone grab it? The answers are still a qualified yes and a qualified no...Wisdom comes with age, they often say. I say wrinkles come with age. Emotional maturity is not something learned or earned with age, it's part of what makes us unique individuals.

More spice, more life...more icy musings.

To Ponder is Worthless

2006-07-17T14:28:00.000+08:00

It is wet. The breeze is cooler. The mornings are crisper. Gloomy. The ululating cries of thunder herald the rampage of the storm unleashed.

As I lay on my bed, snug and comfortable, I hear the booming heavens coupled with the blades of Zeus. It is not but once that I've heard my mind shout "There goes my wrath!"

When I was small, I used to enjoy the rain as much as I loved the afternoon sun. It was a time of scary stories late into the night with the sooty lampara casting terror behind our shoulders. Hot champorado with dried salted fish would be the feast the morning after with warm blankets still wrapped around our shivering bodies.

The wind, laden with cold mist, still whips the trees outside. The color of the trees were always lighter after a storm. What with all the tangled branches and the seemingly brushed-up leaves. Suha and mangga will be all over the yard and we'd fill our little tummies with what we've scavenged to our heart's content.

I have once witnessed a very strong flood. Inundated by heavy rains for three straight days, the signpost near our school futilely defying the onslaught was swept away. Since then, rain has lost its magic and a drop from the heavens cloak my heart in melancholy.

When I look back on these events in concert with my darkening mood, I can't help but imagine myself being the Storm God. The brilliant display of ionic energy would light the night sky as I let go of all of my fury. Relentless, and frustrated, unmindful of all restraint, my storm will pound all shores to spawn terror in the hearts of mortals.

I want to be the God, not the defiant and persistent signpost. I want to be omniscient, omnipresent, omni-what not. Gods don't hurt don't they? But the frailty of my imagination shatters my divine dream.

I sullenly watch the signpost break. Swept away by the immense force of the brutal God I so love to hate. As the signpost, no more than a driftwood now, bob its way downstream, it is not but once that I've heard my heart whisper..."There goes my love..."

It is dank. The breeze is frozen. The mornings are stark and lifeless. And I am not a God, not even a demigod. Wretched.

Favorite Miserable Feeling*

2006-06-17T17:58:00.000+08:00

I thought I was getting used to it...I thought, after the years, it wouldn't sting anymore. The assumption was an illusory state of undelivered hopes.

Tell me never to deal with the Ice Princess anymore. The stark coldness of her stare shatters my frozen walls. "Be colder," I tell myself. To release all warmth until all motion stops is the only way for her to notice me and declare me worthy of her chilling stare. But I am never cold enough. I am not welcome. I am a raging inferno. At least I was. I feel hellish, albeit a frozen one.

The fucked-up feeling. The catatonic state of emotional distress. I am starting to hate. The flimsy border of love and fury is dissolving into nothingness. I don't deserve this. Enough.

This is my favorite miserable feeling. And I am also starting to hate it.

Missing a lot

2006-05-15T18:51:00.000+08:00

There are a lot of things i am missing right now...

I miss being with my friends. Yeah I needed the respite from their constant presence in my vision but I sadly am longing and wishing we were back a year or two ago. Back when there was more to life than work, studies, and routine.

I miss the silly jokes and the inuman sessions with my choir-friends. Talking about life's cruelties and how we plan to cheat fate and take control of our destinies. With them, any place is wonderful and special. With them, I can be me and I can feel wanted and loved.

I miss my mom. Mother's Day passed uneventfully. Not counting the death toll left by the latest typhoon, nothing really earth-shaking happened, except again for some tree-busting winds...I miss her kare-kare and I miss her being "there." Its weird. Our love-hate-abhor relationship swings madly that I don't know which stage we are in right now. But I love her. And I wish I can take care of my kids the way she did us.

I miss feeling something, anything. Everything turned from being colorless to being lifeless. It's as if I am an automaton trying my hardest to find the blue fairy. I miss being hurt. Yes, you've read that right. Because that is the only time I feel alive.

But life is a choice. The consequences of that choice have to be swallowed especially if they are being pushed down your spasming throat. You don't have to like everything that is happening. They just do happen.

I miss her. Don't get me wrong. It's not because I always feel bleeding and dying when we engage in our eternal sword dance. I miss her because my soul yearns to see her. And every agonizing day is such a struggle without the promise of seeing her the next day. Yes I am feeling pathetic if that's what you mean. That's part of the complications of life. Maybe sometimes I just complicate it a bit more.

I miss those and I miss them but I have to live with this...emptiness.

As someone said, "Hey, I did not create the world! I just try to live in it!"

Point taken.

Phobia

2006-05-09T00:51:00.000+08:00

It's almost morning and I should be home. Sleep evades me these days. But I am stuck here at a netshop trying to organize my ramblings.

A lot of my friends are moving on with their lives. As if an all-encompassing clock struck drastic-change time, we now magically find ourselves with adult responsibilities. I don't know why I feel so shitty about all this right of passage-into-the-adult-world thing. It seems like a birth dream; where you are in a dark comfortable room and are afraid to reach out to the light because you don't know what's out there.

The fear of the unknown, I guess I will admit to this one phobia. Indeed I live each day at a time and enjoy as much as I can. However, the future terrifies me. It's as if I will never be prepared to muster the needed courage and valor to measure up to everyone's expectations. I guess it is rooted in my mortal fear of disappointing people who matters.

My life is defined by others and others define me. I can never truly say who I am even if I peel a thousand layers off my thick facade. Who people know as menx is mutually convenient for me and for them. This way, I know what they would expect and what would work for them.

I am a pleaser. Putting other people's affairs and concerns ahead of mine seems to be the most acceptable thing to do. Never mind what I need, what I want, what I feel on my own. Making people happy is quite a tough job. The energy needed is inexhaustible and the source--my soul--is drying up at an exponential rate.

Tell me who I am and I'll tell you who Jaime is. Easy. Not the mirror wanting to free itself from the bounds of viscosity, not the sensitive one who must choose words carefully to deliver the wittiest, smartest remark, not the overburdened tree bowing to the intense heat of the sun, not the silent, loner, nerd guy, not me.

For how long, I have no idea. For as long as the set up is convenient to everyone, prepare for my jokes and hirits.

Meanwhile, my fear of the unknown will persist.

Am I unknowable? Even I don't know me anymore. Who am I?

New Chapters

2006-05-07T15:11:00.000+08:00

It has been a while since I last touched this page. So much has been happening so fast that I have totally neglected this blog. Writing however, is one of my outlets--a vent for pent up emotions that don't belong in my happy disposition.

I am now with a call center company. The decision was made easier by my younger brother's refusal to quit shool for a year so I can graduate. Youth is indeed wasted in the young--too much immaturity. I and my mom would now be together in this latest project as we'd usually call it. Reality does bite, and it stings. I feel like an unwilling warrior in the adult jungle.

All of us must grow up, not just grow old but as it is, I don't have the luxury of time to be nostalgic about carefree days and irresponsible spending. Nevertheless, I still feel crappy and excited about all these life-changing developments.

I don't harbor any malice against my brother's decision. Had we been on the same boat, I would've adamantly rejected the proposal to quit school. I was just dumbfounded by the sensibility of his arguments that I acceded. We really are growing older than I thought possible.

Working and taking on a job would indeed tax my academics heavily. Much discipline is needed and a masterful time management would be my only chance to salvage anything that needs salvaging. Yes, I don't have any plans of quitting either school or work.

Let this be the time for me to somehow say goodbye to my old life of wanton freedom and unproductivity. I would have not much time to go out with friends and definitely no over-nights. I would miss a lot of things and this saddens me.

As the HR-rep's motto goes "It's a bright new day! Let's work!" Yeah, let's work! Err, should it be night instead of day? Just askin'

The Mommy Returns

2006-03-20T15:21:00.000+08:00

My mom is on her way here. Yeeba! It's been just two months and now I miss her terribly. My aunt is leaving for greener pastures. Seems like the the diaspora afflicting the nation has finally caught up with us. So sad since of all my mom's siblings, tita is closest to me. On top of that, my dad would meet us up. Hmmm...reconciliation? Rarest of oppurtunities to have both my parents within a mile radius so I'm quite looking forward to it.

Good winds arrived again. I have a scheduled exam for Unocal, an energy company. This is ChE hardcore so I think I will enjoy this so much. I haven't been offered by P&G yet so let's keep all doors open. Personally, I'd love to be part of Unocal because of their highly stable career environment. Plus they do encourage graduate studies which I am planning on. IF, yes that's a big if, I ever get to be accepted by both companies, at this moment, I think I'd go for P&G. According to my interviewer, she'd been with the company for 29 years so that bats for the company's career oppurtunities. I hope lady luck visits me one more time.

For now, I am still at the wishing and hoping stage.

D-Day

2006-03-20T14:35:00.001+08:00

This is the day of reckoning...

The KEM election results are out as well as the P&G Student Excellence Awards..Nothing much to expect from the elections since I knew from the start that I am handing over the Memcom to my opponent the moment I decided to run. I hope he does a good job of it with all the vested interest of the organization upon his shoulders. Our plans were never parallel, our views never seeing the same thing. I rest assured that the members made their choice when I gave them the chance to choose. KEM is not yet ready to move towards greatness in the sense that they choose a reactionary plan specific to a certain problem only. After the case is solved, what then?

The P&G SEA went to three extremely deserving people. All magna cum laude prospects with the heart and dfesire to serve the nation. I feel so honored to be one of the finalists recognized for my efforts to do the smallest deed that somehow made a ripple in the vast ocean of the depressed human plight.

These two experiences taught me a lot about my responsibilities. I lost chances and popular acclaim but I have gained a lot of insight. To be true to service and to touch lives need neither organizational position nor recognition. It is what you do when no one watches that defines the true essence of character. I want to share this inspiration to everyone. I commit myself to satisfying my healthy distaste for the status quo and doing everything in my power to continue the legacy I assumed.

The smallest deeds are far greater than the most grandiose of intentions.

D-Day

2006-03-20T14:35:00.000+08:00

The Mommy Returns

2006-03-05T18:17:00.000+08:00

My mom is on her way here. Yeeba! It's been just two months and now I miss her terribly. My aunt is leaving for greener pastures. Seems like the the diaspora afflicting the nation has finally caught up with us. So sad since of all my mom's siblings, tita is closest to me.

On top of that, my dad would meet us up. Hmmm...reconciliation? Rarest of oppurtunities to have both my parents within a mile radius so I'm quite looking forward to it.

Good winds arrived again. I have a scheduled exam for Unocal, an energy company. This is ChE hardcore so I think I will enjoy this so much. I haven't been offered by P&G yet so let's keep all doors open. Personally, I'd love to be part of Unocal because of their highly stable career environment. Plus they do encourage graduate studies which I am planning on.

IF, yes that's a big if, I ever get to be accepted by both companies, at this moment, I think I'd go for P&G. According to my interviewer, she'd been with the company for 29 years so that bats for the company's career oppurtunities. I hope lady luck visits me one more time.

For now, I am still at the wishing and hoping stage.

D-day!

2006-03-03T23:46:00.000+08:00

This is the day of reckoning...

The KEM election results are out as well as the P&G Student Excellence Awards..Nothing much to expect from the elections since I knew from the start that I am handing over the Memcom to my opponent the moment I decided to run. I hope he does a good job of it with all the vested interest of the organization upon his shoulders. Our plans were never parallel, our views never seeing the same thing. I rest assured that the members made their choice when I gave them the chance to choose. KEM is not yet ready to move towards greatness in the sense that they choose a reactionary plan specific to a certain problem only. After the case is solved, what then?

The P&G SEA went to three extremely deserving people. All magna cum laude prospects with the heart and dfesire to serve the nation. I feel so honored to be one of the finalists recognized for my efforts to do the smallest deed that somehow made a ripple in the vast ocean of the depressed human plight.

These two experiences taught me a lot about my responsibilities. I lost chances and popular acclaim but I have gained a lot of insight. To be true to service and to touch lives need no organizational position nor recognition. It is what you do when no one watches that defines the true essence of character.

I want to share this inspiration to everyone. I commit myself to satisfying my healthy distaste for the status quo and doing everything in my power to continue the legacy I assumed. The smallest deeds are far more greater than the most grandoise of intentions.

2006-02-19T14:39:00.000+08:00

I'm neck-deep in deadlines but I can't get myself to work on things that needs finishing. Inspiration and drive, where art thou?

Last week was a whirlwind affair. I had three successive interviews at P&G when I expected to be interviewed only once. My first was so stupid that I was blabbering things I should never have said in an interview. T'was a miracle I got a second one and quite happy about it. But when I got a call for a third appearance, I was again having pre-interview jitters.

They told me I was being considered for Consumer Business Develpment (CBD). Nice sounding huh! Bottomline is that it's the sales division of the company. Upon hearing that, my heart sank. I was hoping to snag a slot in the Reaserch and Development division however them Chinese want their own people to man the Beijing Technical Center. I could just imagine my face because I was openly bewildered like a baby in a topless bar when they told me. On second thoughts, I would love it in sales I guess since I am way much talkative for my own good as it is. So that unfortunate event led me to my third interview for them and me of course to be sure I'd really fit in the job.

It's kinda funny how I broke all the rules I've read about job interviews. It's really just about being honest and being yourself. It's kind'a hard to maintain being prim and proper and serious when you are being bombarded by helluva lot of questions. Yes, I was my typical funny no-nonesense self. It feels vindicating being interviewed by one of the biggest companies after someone I so cared about talked me down for being nonesense. And yes, I've been almost destroyed by your insensitive words but hey, newsflash, they don't think I am. And thank you for making me stronger and more prepared to face the toughest talking down I've ever had. I've been wanting to say that clap clap.

However these interviews are taking a toll on my studies. I had to cut two, no make that three major classes just to be available on their oh-so-flexible schedule. I've waited an hour and a half just to get an audience. I hope this is all worth it.

Election update: Celeste is the Fin-VP, Steve for Educ, and Jerome for PRC. Joel lost his Socio-VP bid and Gary also for Mem lacked a number of votes. Second election is fast approaching. Yes, I will run against Gary for the Memcom-VP. I've been in the organization for 4 years now and a lot of improvements still need to be done. I hope I will have the chance to do them.

Need to finish my ChE 140 presentation....

Pre-valentine post ehem

2006-02-08T10:06:00.000+08:00

Nothing about Valentines just yet.

Got a no from shell. So sad. And here I thought I can take rejection easily. Hohum.

Good news though. I was able to clinch a spot in the ten finalists for P&G Student Excellence Award for UP. This was so unexpected. I don't remember my answers on the data sheet I provided them waah! I don't want to keep my hopes high but I would give it my best shot. There would only be two awardees per school. Can I battle it out with eight highly competent UP students? Then there's the interview...

What would they ask in the interview?...Something about my favorite food? or my latest crush? just kidding...I should really take this seriously if I want that internship to land on my lap.

As it is, God is so good to me. I will keep my fingers and my eyes crossed.

Wizard's Eight Rule: Deserve Victory

2006-01-15T20:56:00.000+08:00

There's a phrase from Terry Goodkind's Sword of Truth: Naked Empire that says we have to deserve victory. The essence of struggling and "sweating it out" is central to such idea. Never pine for victory nor expect to achieve it when a tiny speck of you says otherwise.

Ending a battle is sweet being at the winning end but it is a sweeter ending knowing you did your best to deserve it. A lot of people don't mind the difference. Everything is a means to an end anyway. When everything comes crashing down, tha't when they ask what went wrong along the way.

Being a victor doesn't always mean being on top. A victor is a conqueror who is almost always afraid but do what needs to be done in the end. Wishing something to happen doesn't make them happen. That is a blind notion of hope that keeps you rooted to that same spot for eons to come. To prove your mettle, to demonstrate your prowess, to exude sensibility...these makes one a victor. Doing it not for other reasons but conquering yourself and proving your worth to yourself defines you.

Others may not notice the new spring to your gait. Others may fault your newfound confidence for arrogance. Moreover, others will soon realize what they've been missing out on: the resolve to deserve something significant for themselves...the will to deserve victory...the courage to deserve it.

Ressurection

2006-01-09T06:43:00.002+08:00

Its been quite a while. I was very busy with last year's Engineering Week here at UP Diliman that I've totally neglected updating this page. Awitan 2005 is over. It was an uphill battle all throughout but the unexpected swarm of people who came to watch it was all worth agitation.

The second semester is almost through its first quarter but knowledge wise, I'm still lagging behind the supposed academic calendar. Need to shape up but I'm losing much heat for my turbodrive. I need some inspiration.

Weddings seem to be the in thing for my high school batch. I had to get used to the idea of calling them Mrs. ______. Some even asks me when I will join the bandwagon. Dang! Ain't we too much in a hurry I said. I am even emotionally mature than most of them but they're all taking the plunge as if the idea of single blessedness is as scary as the Apocalypse. Next topic please.

Then Christmas. I now believe this season is indeed for families. Being together with people that matter and people that love you and whom you dare to be yourself with, more than all the riches of the world is what makes Christmas significant.

On that note, I must admit I have been an ungrateful jerk because i was insensitively brushing aside all the efforts that my mom was exerting for us to have a decent celebration. When we'd fight, I'd rather us have an argument than her instantly silent. Nakaka-guilty. I'll make it up to her next time.

Still a happy Christmas I should say.

The internship season is on. Had applied for Procter and Gamble but I guess the chance of getting in is so slim I should turn my efforts on other oppurtunities. Dang! I haven't even passed the exam in the first place..sad, soo sad. Oh well, let's bounce back from this quagmire of insecurity. As my mom always tells me, " Wether you think you can or you can't...you're right!"

Ressurection

2006-01-09T06:43:00.001+08:00

Its been quite a while. I was very busy with last year's Engineering Week here at UP Diliman that I've totally neglected updating this page. Awitan 2005 is over. It was an uphill battle all throughout but the unexpected swarm of people who came to watch it was all worth the agitation.

The second semester is almost through its first quarter but knowledge wise, I'm still lagging behind the supposed academic calendar. Need to shape up but I'm losing much heat for my turbodrive. I need some inspiration.

Weddings seem to be the in thing for my high school batch. I had to get used to the idea of calling them Mrs. ______. Some even asks me when I will join the bandwagon. Dang! Ain't we too much in a hurry I said. I am even emotionally mature than most of them but they're all taking the plunge as if the idea of single blessedness is as scary as the Apocalypse. Next topic please.

Then Christmas. I now believe this season is indeed for families. Being together with people that matter and people that love you and whom you dare to be yourself with, more than all the riches of the world is what makes Christmas significant.

On that note, I must admit I have been an ungrateful jerk because i was insensitively brushing aside all the efforts that my mom was exerting for us to have a decent celebration. When we'd fight, I'd rather us have an argument than her instantly silent. Nakaka-guilty. I'll make it up to her next time.

Still a happy Christmas I should say.

The internship season is on. Had applied for Procter and Gamble but I guess the chance of getting in is so slim I should turn my efforts on other oppurtunities. Dang! I haven't even passed the exam in the first place..sad, soo sad. Oh well, let's bounce back from this quagmire of insecurity. As my mom always tells me, " Wether you think you can or you can't...you're right!"

the ice thaws

2005-11-01T13:55:00.000+08:00

It was'n as if my lament were to cause me a new wave of infantilism. No. I refuse to be reduced to that.

I was sitting the whole damn wedding out in my "thinking place" by the beach. A great cloud of insensitivity hovering over my wake. My gait lacked the usual spring to it. To say it was weighing me down would've been an understatement. But anything that can't kill me, would only make me stronger, decorated with the battle scars for a much needed reminder of course.

The longer I stayed in town, the shorter my patience gets. What with all the well-intended but unsolicited advice everyone is throwing at my feet to mitigate their preconceived notion of my self-destruction. No thank you. I'd rather nurse my bruised self on my own.

Yes i am still bitter about it. But to wallow in it is like standing on quicksand. The longer I revel in it, the harder it is to get out and get moving. Life is full of shit that your only recompense is that it is not all shit. There are little beacons of hope as elusive as regaining one's self-worth. The antics of life.

A chapter of life ends albeit the post scripts and foot-notes that will futilely try to rewrite it. The rain still pounds on my roof. The feeling of despair still stirs within my soul. Pain and suffering is the spice of existence others don't have the stomach for. Not me. It will sear through my marrows but it will still remind me of life.

I am alive. Imperfect yes, but I would've not wished it otherwise.

respite and more

2005-10-25T08:45:00.000+08:00

Haven't really adjusted to doing nothing just yet. Awitan marketing is rolling...taking my rest with it but no worries...the Awitan staff is very supportive...I just pray we could pull this one through well enough not to be roasted by the higher gods.

Remember the time I posted about 4th year 1st sem being the rockiest boat I will ever be in? I guess I was some sort of a wiz to predict that but then, the black cat and the crows did all the telling for me. Never been harder and I hope I won't have to go through that again. But as always, I should never put my guard down...let's overrate the remaining three sems to attain that bloody drive to push hard and defy expectations...

Speaking of exceeding expectations...well I sorta found out my grades through the grade's viewing link and well...I got more than I expected and so happy but at the same time slightly uncomfortable with it. What with most 4th year I know getting a four they so don't deserve. Curses. This is student angst at its mildest mind you but I think i am not in the position to point fingers on who should be blamed. Yeah, it's a two way thing. The PI 100 teacher seems to be too busy pulling GMA out of her throne that he wasn't able to submit our grades yet. Poor him...poor us i guess (pun intended).

The Pakaritay 2005 was a blast! Although I was almost doubling over from the agony of carrying my bag to UP Tacloban, I never felt happier feeling so close to home. And my mom was there together with my high school's delegation so free food, free fare, free! Was supposed to travel with Yacel but she got herslef in a fix so had to go on alone...or so I thought. Well nicole was with me and she proved to be one of the nicest companions anyone could have. What with her polite laugh at all my jokes funny or not and her own wit to match...

So there, after the pakaritay, we razed Tacloban City down and had the best of times at HO2, yes that is not water. They had this platform where you get to sing all you want for P40! The place is worth more than P200 metro price. Anyway, got wasted hehe...

I am back in my old town...quite content to be in a place I know I could get rested...then Jai crossed my mind...Her impending marriage hasn't really sunk in me yet. I don't know. After a night of grief the first time she told me of it, I just brushed it aside thinking I shouldn't bother. What for? Could I win her back? Do I want her back? Your guess is as good as mine. My mind is muddled with conflicting arguments as to what to do next. I have forgotten the fact that sometimes, you do need to cut off your head and give an ear to your heart. Well I tried...but my heart wouldn't talk...It's been mum since that painful night and it never told me anything since...except for that littlest of twitches when I will myself to remember.

Am I accepting defeat and resigning our fate to the Gods? My defiance would be most unfair to a lot of people who know nothing of us. I just am hoping I will do the right thing and bear with the consequences of indecision. I thought I've grown up...was mature enough for this...I've just realized my stupidity...Even if I stretched myself double, am still to small by this world's measure...
Pain tugs at me whenever I remember the last words you said.

"This is not my choice. Everything is going too fast. Anything can still happen!"

The dying embers of my hope lingers but a torrent is impending...I won't be able to hold on anymore...Before God is a finality...Something strong enough to break the last strand of my will to keep you...

Thunder rolls and lightning flashes...the wind howls with bitterness...crash and burn.

WANTED: crash course on anger management

2005-10-06T16:23:00.000+08:00

The semester is almost over. I have to say I am a bit disappointed on how things turned out. I promised myself I'd never get another tres after that darned Math 55. So much for promises.

I am being ungrateful of the blessings that come my way. Too much has been done in my favor yet I don't feel completely happy. The heavens would never really give us everything. At least not those things that for us, matter.

Passed ES12 at last. The second tres under my belt. I am happy considering my dread after the dose final exams. Should be. Not all are as lucky as I was. Still, let's try to point fingers at other people (ME profs be damned) to at least justify the agony of studying this apparently useless subject.

Aargh. So much in me that I try to diffuse my angst on almost anything just because.

What the?!! An exam on the 18th when the last day for finals is on the 13th! These people do know how to ruin plans of much needed sleep. Wishing I'd be exempted from this exam.

Why do I feel such rage boiling within me? Is it because of the previous post or just the stress build-up that needs release? Curses!

Pardon for this insanely angry post. Not in my best mood to write about relevant and not-so-selfish topics.

Angry.Pained.Hurt.Stressed.Shit.What?

Deluge

2005-09-29T18:25:00.000+08:00

When it rains, it does pour. A raging torrent of inexplicable wrath meant by the divine to break me almost shattered me.

I never thought I'd survive the week. Had a lot of exams and projects that took away all the optimism in me. I was awake for 48 straight hours feeling all zombie-ish. I expected this, but life, in all its trivialities, has a way of twisiting my pre-conceived notions of hardship into impossibility. Compressive pressure pushing me to break point when I was trying my hardest to twist and yield as much as I could to no avail. With my ebbing hope, they moved in for the kill...

"I hop u cud atend my weding on d 29th nxt month.
I'd b happy f u wr arwnd."

Like sand slipping through my fingers, I can't keep them as much as I want to. All I can do is watch. Dumbfounded by the shimmering sand's haste in evading my grip. My dirge started to play with my swaying body reluctantly doing the slow dance with pain--with pain.

When all I have is memories, the loss is profound. Six years of my life spent loving you. Six years of promises, of joy and of pain, of wonder and of doubt, of betrayal and of forgiveness. I say nothing compares to you in teaching me to be strong and to be tough. I've always thought I'd end up with you---the only person who knew me inside out and still accepted me and loved me for who I am and who I wanted to be. For once in my life, I feel so hurt.

I summoned my walls to deflect the blade of pain and hoplessness. Then it hit me. A sliver of blinding pain. Crack. The walls exploded into a million shards. You were my wall, you were my fortess...

Nothing can keep me from this blizzard of frost. I am not broken...I am almost shattered.

surge point

2005-09-04T18:34:00.000+08:00

What I would give for a brief respite from all these pressure. Sometimes I've wondered--why don't I just take Sinutab and exhume my clogged system of unwanted build-up?--as if I am a pressure cooker..

anyway, I am applying for a regional org. Haven't really figured out why I did. So not me to go into seemingly irrational things nowadays. Have to balance the academic stuff with application, org, and dorm load which is absolutely not a walk in the park...but then...

I love being busy. Working yourself to expiration till there's no more time left to think...and feel...You see, these idle moments in between work let in imaginings better left to the drama machine. Nightly vigils poring over a book I should have finished reading centuries ago is a welcome habit when I have silence as the only alternative. Silence means you. Silence is being mum and numb to everything about you. I should have guessed...will this be all about you again?

You with your warm smile and cold shoulders. You with your hearty laugh and unseeing eyes. Am I feeling all pent-up because of you? I would certainly deny it but not without a speck of doubt..Maybe I don't love being busy....I just want to be. Want that lead to brain-dead routine until I found myself satiated by the fact that you won't flood my dreams when I sleep tonight.

The escapist that I am. I would always figure a way out. Non-confrontational solution to everything. Maybe because I can't keep my emotion in check under all face-to-face circumstances. But when needed, my walls snap into place and a deathly cold engulfs me. I fear that I'm so used to taking shelter behind these walls. I fear that the idea of warmth is becoming a sorely alien notion of unfathomable disguises.

Must let go, must take things one at a time, must forget you, maybe, else I reach my surge point.

Deliverance

2005-08-27T17:36:00.000+08:00

I started in a slow pace. Remembering, deleting, deciding what to write. Then my fingers moved in staccato....

This night, my teenage years slowly unfold before me in a vivid imagery. This day is special. This will be my last day as a teener.

The first wisp of smoke lingers in my mouth...

I was barely three-feet tall and I was dressed to the nines. I twiddle with my suspenders anxiously waiting for my name to be called. Two of the boys stand wimply in front of the stage. I and the rest stand stupidly behind. I wonder why I am in here in the first place. The seconds groaned by...

"And the winner for this year's model boy is none other than....Lexter!"

No Jaime...

A speck of ash falls into my steaming cup...

Running. Gasping for breath. My heart was pounding through my frail ribs. It had barely been teen minutes since the news arrived that my step-dad's head had been embedded with lead from a smoking pistol. Pools of dark liquid surrounded his body. Deafening screams of anguish...chaos.

Sip. Puff. The smoke swirls.

A flick of my forefinger dislodges the burnt end of my cigarette. Before me was the most adorable girl I've been dying to sit beside with. An inexplicable impulse forced my face nearer hers. Soft. Lush. I tingle all over. The room is a blur. Rain pounds on the roof trying futilely to hammer it to pieces. I linger... My fingers caressing her cheeks.

A blade of hot white smoke slits my throat...

I'm freezing. Burning with intensely cold fire. Your hand over her shoulders. Raining kisses on her shoulders oblivious to my wrath. I plead. I summon the heavens to incinerate you. Feeling every raw nerve, the trees blurred...warm tears rushed forth. I'll never forget to hang my dream-catcher ever again...

Deep long sigh...slightly dazed. Smoke scatters the light. Tyndall effect. Eerie haze.

The surface of the pool is placid. Swim up. Must breath. There you sit holding a biscuit. Feeding the eager fishes. I fall in line. Brimming with anticipation. Freeze. The whole scene happened in an excruciatingly slow universe imprinting its sharp detail on my addled brain. I wish I could always turn into that dim-witted fish, be caged in your prison...feeding me and watching over me till all my scales fall off.

This could have been sweet. But life is not all about mushiness. I don't want to waste my time looking too hard at these closed doors. Must seek the newly opened windows cause by this time, the array of opened windows is enough to destroy the shadows--shadows that won't let me be even in my sunniest days...

I open a new pack of cigarettes and lit one. The smoke danced to my dirge...

My fingers moved in staccato feeling the rhythm of life. The pain creeps back engulfing my heart in eternal damnation.

Karasikas

2005-08-24T10:40:00.000+08:00

Faced with the dilemma of having a batch-name, we tried to imagine concepts that would represent the group. The fact that we are of contrasting personalities wasn’t much of help. But one thing we did notice, we all buzz with ideas and we are all eager to share our thoughts while being overly cautious lest we offend someone—a typical Waray virtue of being a pleaser to a fault. The discussion led to the batch name karasikas. This is a Waray-waray term for the rustle of the leaves as the wind rushes forth, the sound of grass blades as someone walks through the fields.

This concept epitomizes the ideals of the group—to create a silent noise. The silent clamor of a fruitful and a worthwhile job underway. A symbol of efficiency where less talk and more work prevails, karasikas also represents the promise of a cool rushing breeze—a breeze that carries with it the laughter and energy of the people who work selflessly behind the spotlights while enjoying the company of people they can most relate to.

The UP SIDLANGAN applicants bring this promise to fruition. A group of vibrant and dynamic young people from Region VIII imbued with idealism and willingness to share. People eager to contribute not only their presence but also their skills and experiences in the effort of making UP SIDLANGAN a better organization.

Iine kami. Mga kabataan nga may-ada karuyag igpa-angbit ha SIDLANGAN kay natuo kami nga kun diin kita tikang, didto binabati an karasikas han pagka-urusa.

five minutes of life

2005-07-31T14:44:00.000+08:00

smoke swirls up
up to where they fuse with air
up to the dark gray sky

colorless yet alive
floating, twisting
oblivious to the angry thunder

a sliver of existence
only the heart can see
unknowable

bath my blood
caress my throat
kiss my hungry mouth

flow with it
moment of
banal musings.

bitter sweet summer

2005-06-05T13:02:00.000+08:00

I am back in my old room...trying to adapt to the sudden change of environment. Needless to say, I sure miss my kwayr pips back home...

Guys, we have been through a lot of pains this summer but I sure do hope that we'd be better and stronger after all these. I know God has a reason for everything and it is not in our position to question His plans. We all know how unappreciated our efforts were but remember that we sang every song and stretched our vocal chords 'til they were raw only for Him.

I pray that He will guide all of us and lead us to where our journey ends. Ang weird ng post na to but I sure hope mabasa niyo. I miss you all.

Every church or chapel I see reminds me of our Visita Iglesia. There is a passion welling inside of me that needs to be released. I want to sing with you one more time. I want to feel the euphoria of a good performance for Him...

Father Banoi, my deepest gratitude and highest respect. You stood by our side because you cared and you understood. But I thank you most for renewing our love and our commitment to Him. I will keep my promise to love Him and have a time for Him.

I miss you all...I just can't hold back these tears...See you soon.

summer blah blah

2005-05-24T05:50:00.000+08:00

i want to write but i am just so overwhelmed by my summer experience. random__

**di natuloy ung summer sportsfest na kami ung host so wala akong ginawa haha.

**nature-trip sobra. i was able to explore the river system of our town and boy what a jewel!
andaming puno tapos there was this part na sobrang placid ng tubig at sobrang kinis you'd be
ashamed to touch it. God is indeed so good for blessing the world with such wonders.

the best part? the thick fog in the wee hours of the morning. sobrang breath-taking kasi the
visibility is so low you'd just see other boats that are a few meters away. we also saw this old man
in a boat trying to catch fish. he sat there patiently with the fog embracing him. it was so chinese-
like picturesque kind of thing...see am blabbering kc sobrang nakaka-overwhelm talaga.

the trees where the best!!! i even had their pictures taken to the dismay of my mom who thought
she'd see me laboring through the mountains on those negatives hehe.

what else? oh, how could i forget the beach! yeah, beach beach beach. since i don't really need
those darn sunblocks, i had so much fun soaking in the cool blue waters of the islands. i'd try to
get some shells for you guys but it depends. if I can still drag my bloated self, i'd try hehe. we'd
spend the afternoons on my uncle's floating cottage and drink, eat, play the guitar, whatever
idea that my drunk brain interprets hehe.

well, the month of May is also the month of fiestas!!! foodtrip galore. i had the best of time haha.
a few more and i'd have tasted every recipe there is that requires fish, clams, shrimps, more
fish, and more shrimps and crabs and oh, those lobsters__makes me hungry everytime i
remember them so red and so juicy wehehe. (nang-iinggit daw ako!)

**pardon me if you think otherwise but i believe i chose my option to spend summer here well.
a friend dropped the subject i was about to enlist in. good thing my gut feel about that damned
subject was right. I am bracing myself for the rockiest boat i need to ride in my college life__4th
yr, 1st sem...the devil be damned!

**plans__i have to focus on my acads this coming sem. Big deal pare! I need to concentrate more
if I want to really see what I'm worth and how far i can and am willing to go. There is bowling and
volleyball as well as learn some badminton and tennis but it would be like 75% academics.

**i had reconciled myself with GOD i guess. i am just so inspired by the homilies of our parish
priest every morning. When he starts, you can feel his sincerity and love pouring out on you as if
you are in His holy presence. Sobrang nakakasarap ng pakiramdam. I hope that in my life's
journey, He would still carry me and guide me. I am in the process of learning to accept His plans
for me and never doubting His goodness. As Mother Teresa of Calcutta used to say, "God will
provide."

**i will hold your hand as the sun pierce the mountain cloak. i will hug you as the fog envelopes
the trees. i will sit beside you and feel the tang of the seabreeze as our life nears its twilight. Yes,
i am foolish enough to fall in love with you. but in my foolishness, i have been reborn to the fact
that I am still alive, i do exist, i can feel, i can love. let's leave it at that. i love you. for you to love
me is next to impossible as i see it. maybe i made a mistake on those lines...they should have
read: i will hold my hand as the......

composer poser

2005-04-20T16:08:00.000+08:00

we were bumming around the other day and out of the blue...decided to create a song. My kada in here are members of the Church choir so we do trip on this song-writing thing...

i dunno how to upload music to this page yet so all I can show you right now is the lyrics...kinda hit me right through so it's one of my favorites now. anyway the words are by ate grace hope. I needed to acknowledge her coz she might slap me with plagiarism hehe. We just tinkered a little with the grammar and logic and all that stuff which in the end is absolutely not needed_what is poetic license for? so here it is...

So Near, So Far

GH Revila

I never thought, of liking you

I never thought, of falling for you

You know, it's kind'a weird...I know

You never feel the same as I do.

I keep on waiting for a sign

Impossible 'cause you have your own

You know, it's kind'a weird...I know

You never feel the same as I do.

Chorus

You're so near and yet so far

You're as high as the clouds in the sky

You're so near that i can reach you

Yet so far for the love I have for you.

It makes me wonder...

It gives me wonder...

Bridge

But I guess...we're better in love this way

So let me say my thank you,

Let me say my thank you...

(repeat Chorus)

You're so near...and yet so far

But let me say I love you...

(fade)

so there...makes me really wonder. anyways, tomorrow is the hike day wohoo! We're going to the barrios to sing and attend their fiesta mass. It will be 3 enjoyable days hehe. I need to load that camera with enough film. what the heck...walkathon ito hehe. so I'll be back and tell you 'bout it by monday na siguro wehehe.

ako ay certified taong bundok. amen. oops! props to pope benedict XVI/cardinal ratzinger.

raw

2005-04-18T17:13:00.000+08:00

One of the best things in life is knowing real people in your life. It is a just so comforting knowing you have people to lean on and even bitch around with when you feel like it. God must love me that much because I have been blessed with two groups of vibrant and inspiring people who have shared their time, experiences and pieces of themselves with me.

I am having a great time right now though I miss my kada out there. Was feeling low the other day coz no one was replying to my text messages except Pol.

I dunno...must be the fact that i am used to seeing you everyday. I guess this is more of a withdrawal or weaning period(am not sure bout this term) for me.

Denial is never the solution to any problem but at least it helps me get by. Denying that you will leave soon...denying that I am gonna miss you...denying that I regret the lost time and the lost chance to get to know you better...denying the fear I feel in losing your friendship altogether because I haven't bonded with you well enough.

When you told us you were leaving...i was absolutely numbed. Numbed by the force of the emotional barrier I summoned in a snap. Too bad for martin, his was not as fortified as mine was...i suggest adamantium or a million layers of kevlar...i was silent as we all were...silence because i can't feel and i don't want to feel anything...

I can't think of a word to explain the emotional turmoil and the pain it caused most of the people in the group...no, this can't be happening...not to us...

and to further cushion myself from the encroaching pain(it was starting to sink in), I started denying you and denying anything about you. Once I pondered getting even with you...hurting you because you did hurt us...my irrational mind thought that you should not have been my friend.

I said I didn't want people to knock if they're not staying...and thought of leaving you guys and because i don't like this getting-too-attached feeling.

so you're leaving...that, i still deny...i don't have enough strength to survive the repercussions yet. This is all a big charade for me...and i say quit being the actors that we all are...T'was too good to be true huh...

but i don't blame you for anything...this is twelve times as hard for you as it is for us...i will give myself some more time to withdraw into my fortress...then will be the time i will face all these raging emotions of depression and sadness...

this should stop. I am getting too used to feeling hurt I feel raw all over.

morning madness

2005-03-27T20:28:00.000+08:00

i feel peaceful in times like these...4 am in the morning with some faint crows from some mysterious cock or hen or whatever fowl there is in this place...this is like owning the world...being able to make my thoughts run freely and capture those flitting memories of days past...

did you know this is my favorite time of the night?...yeah...this is when party people drag themselves to bed...when lovers tighten their embrace because the creeping cold is upon them...this is when solitary people try to hug themselves...imitating their old amore's touch...when fishermen get up and prepare for the catch...when I lie in my bed and think about the things that matter.

this is like a different plane of consciousness...I get all sleepy because my bodyclock is telling me to rest...resisting that, I can't sleep that easy anymore...so here I am in my bed making up stories and playing them in a rapid slideshow...more like dreaming you know but in a conscious way. I once solved a "trigonometric proving" problem in this manner so I think it might just work...

what's the point of this post?...as usual, there is none...I almost believe i am living a pointless existence...what could be my purpose?...i haven't figured out that yet...so far, I believe the Marxist idea that my existence is just defined by my labor, studies/acads in my case. Without it, I don't know my immediate purpose come dawn...

i digress...

i once heard that living is all about loving. being able to share that gift is all that matters...you will be measured not by how much you were loved but by how much you loved...I would be found lacking in that department...not that I had not loved...I did and was immensely happy but that was like a one-hit wonder...yeah..i appreciate everyone who loves me...my family, friends, etc...but that's just about it...i appreciate...I can't get myself to love them...not in the way they do me...

I have been wondering about this...is it because I am too demanding and I seem like an emotional sink on anyone?...sometimes i'd like to point my finger to certain people just to fill that void of having no one to blame...sometimes i just wish i can and curse them to the netherworld for my sufferings...yeah..we all have that tendency to blame others for our misfortune...self-righteous people would galantly admit they are at fault...sorry, I am not galant and in this matter, I have no wish of becoming one...

I know a lot of people are worse than me in terms of most things that matter. I don't rant because I want to diss everyone for making me feel this way...I am ranting because if I won't, then silence would eat me bit by bit...in my peace, i am not silent...my mind moans for something, it constantly throbs as if the oscillation of my nerve cells is all that matters...silence brings me back to my dark room...a room in the house where i hide when afraid...where i shout curses when furious...where my personal space is...

sometimes silence is the gate to this private world...a world devoid of colors...devoid of feelings...of emotions...silence to my noisy, annoying self...you will see me there...the real me..

i may sound crazy but at a point in our lives (we may not have noticed), our random imaginings may have been parallel to these. This is mine for this morning...really chaotic and abstract...leading somewhere then ending up in another, completely different from my lead...it just goes to show i've still got healthy mind cells hehe. You might be annoyed by this but i have to remind you this is my space hehe...so you see...this is pointless...who can tell me what is not?...it's all pretty relative and for me...one heavy load released whew! outlets...outlets...

lunacy...?

2005-03-27T01:10:00.001+08:00

I think I am pretty much decided on what to do this summer, it would be rest and sleep away from the busy environment of this city.

I hurdled a horrendous Wednesday with three exams in a row. Yeah, everybody has one but I also had two exams last Tuesday and one final exam last Monday. That's what you call exam week UP-style. Oh well...I was sort of deranged the whole time and I guess my neurons were so sore they were about to burst. I was literally running on coffee and extra-joss refueling my exhausted system every hour or so. Too bad...I wasn't able to sleep for three days...who could when you have a looming make or break exam the following day right?

First exam on Wed, I was still ok...I think I did pretty well on the computer program. So one down, two to go. Next exam was ES 13...more like strength of materials... the exam was easy and had it not been for the hellish circumstances, I could have aced this...okay, stop sour graping!

I was so decided to call it quits and just leave the room for I can't remember even the simplest of formulas. The first thirty minutes was agonizing...my head feels sore and even just a little mental exertion sends throbs of pain through my cerebrum...no kidding...I decided to ask for a break and went to the water station for some needed drink...then I went through hell and back again submitting my unfinished paper to the instructor...geez...troublesome. Oh did I tell you there was still one exam left?...aargh...I wanted to plead temporary insanity or amnesia or even death just to spare me the agony of it all.

I prepared for the exam yes but my physical and mental condition that time was not up to the challenge that was ChE 132. Good thing the divinities heard my dying wish and Miss Ang miraculously granted us a take home exam...what a relief...i literally jumped for joy and could've hugged her had it not been for the tiniest shred of dignity I have left. So there, I survived the harrowing experience and lived to tell the tale so to speak...

Celebration? yeah we did go to xyberbowl for some bowling action...uhmm...they played...i chose not to play since I was so tired physically, mentally, and financially hehe. I just sat there and cheered them on...grabbed some of Pad's chips and tried to play some scrabble...akalain mo, katangahan 'to kasi pagod nga ang utak ko. I gave up the scrabble game and just watched the bowling game they had on. Bad day for the veterans(those who had bowling PE classes before) because the untrained people(props to mike and to mark d.) were smashing the pins to pieces! It was fun watching them but I was feeling so lethargic and about to exit reality into dreamland.

I was on this tantric state when Pol blurted "Jaime, your feet are hideous!" Call that brutal candidness but yeah, I guess my feet leaves much to be desired hehe. I can't attend to them regularly because am too busy and I don't have those cleaning tools which by the way is a no-no in a dorm like mine. Nailcutter is tolerable but if someone sees you with a nipper(is that how it's called?) or a nail brush, you'd be the laughingstock hehe so most of them just go out to some dingy parlor for that needed pedicure or footspa. Me, no time and no extra money. When I'm at home(province), that's the best time for me to do that. The beach sand works wonders and my mom's manicurista is the best. Plus I have all these scars courtesy of the sharp rocks near the reef where I used to play...I guess I'll just have to live with it. I can't do anything about it as of now...besides, I have a farmer's feet and that in our place is compliment enough. So hideous or not...they're mine and it's better than prosthetic feet you know hehe.

==+==

there are things I said to maja last night that I'd rather not have said...darn, that red horse beer really makes me loose. I just hope I did not make a fool and a dumbass out of myself...I was just feeling so sad...again, i plead terminal lunacy.

summer class or summer fun?

2005-03-14T00:48:00.000+08:00

this is a dilemma. i haven't figured out what to do yet this summer break. as you can read above, i've got two options: a summer class or some summer fun.

The barkada outing is on the verge of being shelved again. Makes me think that preplanned events have a higher affinity to glitches than spur-of-the-moment ones. The EK was cancelled and now this. Hmmm...some sort of blessing in disguise for financially challenged people like me. But on second thought, I'd be sad if this one won't push through. This might be the last time I'd get to see Rob whose leaving anytime soon. There is still the org outing but the barkada outing is very different. We have a lot of inside jokes and secrets and what-nots that others would find hard to relate to. We are even called a faction by those whose vocabulary proves insufficient to describe us. Poor them.

So there, summer class and get to hurdle that overly scary dose plus spend more time with the guys on a surely fun summer fashion. Geez, i think this choice has both the class and fun part in it hehe.

Summer fun on the other hand means I get to stay at home, have fun at the beach almost everyday, overflowing booze, a lot of sleep, lots of food(ngek), and nature trips to the farms and mountains. This would also mean rest for my family's financial department which by the way is on the brink of rebellion. Hmmm...I think I can visit my uncle in his parish and do some chores there. Visiting him feels like hitting the gym because of the loads of work awaiting my return. Next, I can play basketball again. Surprise! I do play sometimes but I am more into volleyball. Oh, one more thing, our high school batch will be spearheading the sportsfest this summer so maybe this reason will have more weight. Parang biased reasons ko. I also want to visit the new house at Tacloban and add some personal idea...oh well.

I still need to consider things though. Besides, I still got one alternative and that is to get home on Maundy Thursday, spend the Easter at home, attend the Grand HS Alumni Homecoming party on the night of Easter, then back to the city on Wednesday for the final exams. If this will push through, I'd have the summer class...but I do want to rest. Moreover, what if I fail dose? I'd kiss my scholarships(and UP for that matter) goodbye. Losing the buck generators is not an option.

Think...

rollercoaster baby

2005-03-10T17:24:00.000+08:00

the music is playing...yeah...in the mood to write. Gotta leave Foust for a while. so what would it be this time?...oh, i know.

as of last post, i said there was a big possibility that i might not be able to go with the guys to Sorsogon. It turned out that they have changed plans to accomodate me. This time, it would be a three-part vacation. First, overnight at Rob's place, then off to Batangas, then back again at Rob's place. I felt extra special by what they did. aaww. Oops, sorry for the cheeziness of it all. I just am in touch with my emotional faculties at present. Now i think i have a greater chance of going. The thing is, i promised my baby sister i'd be in her birthday too so i guess i need to work on my schedule.

exam season is coming up and i need to stretch my luck and my neurons to the maximum. I still am not emotionally stable for the rollercoaster ride about to come. What preparations do I need to do? Hmmm...bahala na. Basta I'll do my bestest hehe.

I did an exam under my favorite teacher(Prof. Rizalinda de Leon) and boy did she bring it. I did close to 95% preparation and review thinking I've got it all covered. I came to the room brimming with excitement thinking "I've got you now ma'am!" So sit down I did and took a glance at the test paper...(drum roll pls!!!)...first part, objective...okay I know about this...but why am i not sure of what to write?...ok, scan...scan...scan some more(open book exam darn)...time check...oops, a good eight minutes have passed so write i did and write some more....I got confused with the comparison part. When asked to compare, aren't we supposed to site the similarities of both objects compared? But I had this gut feel that the instruction meant contrast so I did both: compare and contrast, just to be on the safe side of things. Next part...modified true or false...this and the first part were done to check if we did read the book or to gauge how fast we can read pronto for that matter. Problem solving part...okay... so what the hell is this? a drop of water falling with a certain velocity in still air. calculate the change in diameter of the spherical drop. WHAT?? okay so the bulb went out and all the pages in the book flashed through my mind in a rapid slideshow. no. i did not find the answer maybe due to the disbelief i was in...so there...she did it again...next time, i'm gonna have the upperhand i swear hahaha(evil laugh).

i love this woman.

irresponsible

2005-03-07T11:51:00.000+08:00

yeah, i am feeling so messed up and irresponsible this semester. what i don't get is the seemingly lack of enthusiasm for me to study and to ace those darn grades. i don't want to blame anyone for what's happening because i know that i'd be on top of the list. i am failing myself and my family miserably...God, I wish I can still salvage anything that's left of the semester. It's barely three weeks and i haven't figured where i'd be after this.

this lifestyle is getting me worried. i don't want to lie to my mom about it but she'd get sad if she'd know that i am becoming a professional bum. need to limit these overnights and gimiks. Guys, I am having fun with you so it's not really you, it's me...guilty pleasure is not pleasure at all i tell you. and i'm feeling uncomfortable about it most of the time. this is not me. it's not myself to be too extravagant...well this is based on my standards so down those eyebrows. i am not cut that way and i am not raised that way. i always try to be comfortable and one with you guys but certain resources are hard to come by these days. i feel so guilty of negligence when it comes to my academics. i can't find my balance anymore. i need to take control of myself and i need to do it now or the consequences might be too much to handle.

this means i may not be able to go with the overnights so far and a big chance i won't make it to the Sorsogon trip. You guys are great...i had the best time with you but i have a responsibility to tackle. I'd try to go with you whenever i can but as of now, i have decided to put my academics foremost...

==+==

jai, we've got to talk...i know everything right now feels so crappy and unsure but i hope you'd understand. i am in a daze. i honestly don't know what to make of everything that's been happening to us right now...i need to think everything through. i would tell you about it when i get back but as of this moment, i feel so lost...i don't know if i am ready enough for it...i don't want us to end up hurting one another again...i was on the path of moving on because that's what you've been telling me...i have given up on the idea of a reconciliation after all that's happened...you're bringing it all back and i don't know if i or you is ready enough for it...we're too volatile people...you have made me grow up and accept life as it comes...i am on this path already...if you should have asked me earlier, i could have given you a definite answer but a lot of things has changed. I am sick and tired of hurting people close to me...that's why i hope you did understand that we need to think and weigh the consequences first for a zillion times before anything else...aarghh!!!
i am a complete loser...

friendship and all its complications

2005-03-05T22:33:00.001+08:00

Friendship, what a concept to blog about...but am still down in here writing about it for the sake of elucidating MYself further on MY views on this idea...self-enlightenment? weird.

Okay, so let's start with the friend thing. I have been pondering on this thought for quite some time now never really having that chance to think the matter through. I am a friendly person...but being friendly does not necessarily mean a truckload of friends. What is friendship and what is a friend? and why it's hard befriending me...

A friend is someone who is a bit of everything. My shock-absorber/outlet when I feel down, crappy, and wasted...I mean someone I can talk to...not just someone who listens for heaven's sake, just go talk to the wall...I'd never notice the difference in the slightest bit. Just don't overdo the absorbing of my soul and my life's hardships...what I have is a friend...not a know-it-all, solve-it-all, let-me-carry-your-baggage-for-you kind of person.

Although some may try to be one or make me believe they are...I'll tell them next time I meet them down the hallway, "Dude, you're a big, fat liar!" Just kidding. Just don't be much of a loser yourself. Must admit I am oftenly guilty of this, uh-oh, see, I am not worth emulating. But isn't it just nice to have someone you can talk with? Someone who thinks that my nonstop gibberish is a sign of a terminal disease that needs attention. Someone that prods me to think.

A friend is a person who share the same interests with me or someone whose interests interest me..err. Get the drift? Example! I love Chinese food and you love, well, Italian food! At first...this looks like a hopeless case for a friendship to even see the light of day...but wait...the criterion could be circumvented hehe. All of a sudden, I'd realize that we are both lovers of food and we were actually sharing the same interests all along! The point is, it's just a matter of perspective...interests could always meet halfway but the effort should be mutual.

A friend is someone who'd babysit me. Bummer. This is the highest level of concern I'd expect from anyone so I won't and I definitely don't need one(babysitter). In the real world, someone who can look after my back and not someone whose doing all the stabbing and dirty-laundry-is-here-take-your-pick kind of thing. Posers are definitely losers...hey, they even sound alike. A friend would tell you when you're being a jerk and when you're being too holy to handle. Someone with a sensitive candidness that brings out the best in you and tries to let you see what has been under your nose the whole friggin time. Did I say sensitive candidness? Oh yeah, don't be offensively honest with your criticisms...i just dont take well to critcisms especially those done in a bad taste...but critics are generally welcome.

A friend is your number one supporter cum enourager. Yeah, why are you my friend in the first place if you're not. Staying with me through thick and thin is not as easy as you think. People give up on me easily. Mistaking my contemplation for indecision, my talk for rantings, etc. A friend gives the extra push or the much needed lift when needed. They do it not out of duty but out of the sincerest, most noble of reasons...read below.

A friend loves me and accepts me for who I am. It goes hand in hand with respecting the man and the person I want to become. It sounds practically easy but it isn't. To love a friend is to share a part of yourself to that person without having to consider his economic status, imperfections, favorite color, etc. which are mostly mundane things if you'd see it my way. Love me for who I am, warts and all. Because if you only want the good part, you'd mostly notice the worst in me and you won't know what hit you. Bad for your vibes. Understand my insanity, immaturity, delusions and nightmares. Then you'd see a glimpse of what's it like to be me.

I require a lot, yes but I try my hardest to live up to it also. Maybe this is the reason why I don't identify you a friend when you gave me a pat on the back once. If it's not felt and you don't get through, then you're an acquaintance...one of those faces floating in the limbo of my memory. Who am I to require it of anyone? No one...i just took a wild guess that most people think the same way I do. Only difference is, they call them bestfriends. I don't categorize my friends because it's offensive to the categorized party. I won't compete for anyone's favor. I am myself and if you don't get me, you are not a friend. Don't get offended though. I am just being honest. But at least I know you.

busy, really...

2005-02-23T16:28:00.000+08:00

Busy, yes, that's me these days. I've developed a superb talent for cramming which, though not good, helped save my head from the chopping block. Who wouldn't? When you've got exams in three days straight, a paper to pass the next day, a computer program due next week, and a presentation the day after tomorrow, it is very tempting to throw in the towel and just give up.

I've passed up a lot of things because of this "busy-ness."

One, I can't watch the clouds anymore. It is a rare ocassion for the city's skies to clear up and when that happens, I have this compulsion to daydream while watchingf the fluffy, cottony and langurous clouds. There goes the probinsiyano in me.

Two, I can't talk to myself anymore. No, I don't have any loose screw. This self-talk is a zen inspired meditation for my confused, insecure and oftenly hurting ego. It is self-regeneration and a must-have maintenance routine else I bog down due to stress.

Three, no more movies as of press time. Phantom of the Opera is on the roll and I have received mixed reviews already. Stress reliever and entertainment in one, geez, too much abstinence for me.

Four, much needed sleep. Last night was the first good sleep I ever had in five days. UP Fair, overnight for projects, overnight for exams, overnight for a lot more reasons...end result: zits, eyebags, and an uglier me...i never thought i could get any worse hehe.

Five, no more blogging and writing. See, this is my latest entry and i can't still organize a creative thought so let me just use this busy thing as a sorry excuse for my alleged writer's block.

==++==

Few people might have noticed but the last talentine sizzled with exciting developments. I am writing this coz I don't have someone to tell so there. I will always remember to feed the fishes from now on. I never thought it is possible, the world-stopping moment, the simple gesture...I was so lost for words but then, it happened for the tiniest of time. I'm sure I'll keep it for as long as I am sane.

Now, I am so lost about everything...I am blinded by this feeling that I can't read the signs. Dumb, stupid me. What's worse, I never thought you could be sooo beautiful. Okay, so I don't tell you that all the time. But it makes me more stupid when near you...how the right words don't come out as i will them. Another thing, what if I am misinterpreting things? That we are not thinking along the same plane...i will never know unless...

I promised a couple of friends not to smoke anymore...actually, they tricked me hehe. We were reviewing when she told me that i smell of cigar. fact: she don't like me smoking. so there, i blurted okay, i won't smoke anymore, promise. Looks like I volunteered right, no, I was to tell them that I won't smoke near them anymore...but they wrote it down and made me sign it...with them as witnesses...all it lacks is a notary public seal and I'll be dead meat. Good for me hehe. Actually, I was planning to stop, I was just waiting for her instructions...okay, stop this cheeziness. unhealthy for my lonely solitary self. but you know what...okay stop. I don't want to preempt things if there are indeed things that might come out of this...stupid men like me do think a lot about these things you know. we are stupid enough to fall in love hehe. ayan, nagtext ka na. buhay na ako for the next week hehe.

si teban ay isang malaking pasaway. pati si mark. kasi kanina, basta...you owe me one.

si robert, next post na lang. cguro i still need to internalize pare hehe.

zzzz.....

2005-02-13T10:40:00.000+08:00

last night was the guy's night out. really fun. we were like old men round a table drinking, smoking, playing cards and talking bout things that matter to us guys. we had a slight problem though...the girls were there though they were in a separate room. it was awkward because we like left them out...i hope they'd see it in a more positive light though. the plan was a spur of the moment thing. just zap and we like wanted to have a night out. actually, the original plan was at the sunken garden with the whole group BUT due to rashes, colds, and coughs courtesy of the said venue, we opt to think of other alternatives...

me: sasama ba ung mga babae?

them: baka hindi kasi open house tom tapos may practice pa ang killers...

me: so para siyang guy's night out! sige sama ako...

and there the plan started with us overlooking the fact that we haven't asked them yet if they are going with us. ayun na....tentenenenteden....we asked them halfheartedly if they wanna come thinking that it was 70% sure they won't. but then they did so we were like ano na gagawin natin...baka ma-OP lang sila dun...but we still went through with the plan.

the girls of course, being their usual suspicious nature noticed early on that we weren't really comfortable with them. all the plans were minus the girls so the night ended with them thinking that we shouldn't have invited them in the first place. geez...what a sweat...being our mababait selves, we tried explaining it to them. you can just imagine what happened...actually, nothin much hehe. we can't really understand how a female's mind work. Pol is our closest reference so we'd end up asking him for explanations about the girls' tampo and mood swings.

oh well...that was settled then but i still think we need to make it up to them. hmmm.....think....
vodka was on the table and all of them except me and Pol (wohoo!) were tripping and swaying on their way to the bedroom. just imagine the racket we caused. good thing i was not hit hard by the vodka..whew! i did all the cleaning and tidying up after. more talk...more laughs...loud blabberings...and a good sleep. definitely a knock-out!

of life and death...

2005-01-30T17:17:00.000+08:00

i stayed the whole night at the Sunken Garden watching City of Angels with some friends...one of those prevalentine activities that remind people of their happy or sorry state this February.

so what was the movie like? a bit tragic...ironic even. just when they thought they'd live together happy for the rest of their lives, she goes to heaven...and the fallen angel grieves but says "i'd rather have one strand of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her skin than eternity without her." pretty mushy and sad but he's got a point you know. what matters is they fell in love. no matter how short life is, the entire sum of his existence was the day he spent with her.

makes me think...is life about love or about death? some say we are measured by how much we've loved...by how much we've cared for people...but isn't death the end of all things?...no matter how many stops we make, we'd still end up six feet under. the journey towards hades need not be uneventful though. it is in life where we savor the significance of humanity. we might have different perspectives about life...i like sadness...no, i revel in it...it makes me more real and more human...and i like serenity...sitting atop a mountain with clouds all over is euphoric for me...i enjoy the rush of a stream...the swaying of pines...the beauty of life...

in the eternal peace of death...i do like peace and quiet so i guess it's a welcoming environment for me. i do sound morbid don't I? oh well...why do most people fear death...sometimes, when i feel so dejected, i'd think of my funeral scene and who'd mourn my passing...just to hear all their eulogies and tributes to the dead...no one speaks ill of the dead anyway...and if my angel would ask me what i liked most in this world...i'd tell him it was life itself...

i love life but i don't fear death...so to my guardian out there...you won't have to drag me down the blinding hallway...just let me say my goodbyes first...and say my thank-yous and i-love-yous to people that matter...nah...i do sound morbid...enough of this...

welcoming you in...

2005-01-25T08:04:00.000+08:00

i've been denying you for months.

i am a new person, a new man, and i am happy...almost.

i would like to welcome you in here. you didn't knock i know, i invited you in...i am still asking myself why.

in my private thought-world where glib equates feelings, where i try to draw letters according to my soul's beat, where my inner self is.

i would like to confess...to finally come at terms with myself...to end this charade and start doing something about it...

i do miss you...i miss that loving feeling...that certain sparkle of things when you're around me...

i miss being loved...the feeling of being wanted, being significant, being alive...

the crisp cold breeze in the evening makes me want you...feel you're warmth...you're presence...

your voice at the other end of the line makes my heart stutter...darn, i am not that strong...

i know i didn't tell you these when it mattered...i don't want my feelings to matter to you anymore...in some way...

my life is at a standstill...staring at you...concerning myself with you...

there is always that wall i slam into everytime i will myself to care for you...i don't matter to you anymore...

it is better this way...have more time for yourself to think things over...i'll be around...i am your friend...

when you've finally made up your mind...we will see what happens...as of now...

there is her...i care for her though i don't understand her most of the time...

inside, i always smile when i see her...i don't know what you think about it...with her i've found a new happiness...

i want to take everything in stride...live each day at a time...be happy by my lonesome...and think about her...and you...and life...

we

2005-01-22T17:24:00.000+08:00

It is hard trying to live like this...
When I delight in the dreary
I gorge upon death
crave solace...

It is even harder trying to live like that...
When you shimmer like the ocean
You dance around clouds
offer company...

It is hard to live and love like this...
When we love hating, pretending
We lick the pains of heart
dense posers...

yielding to the undertow

2005-01-17T14:41:00.000+08:00

I had a traumatic exam. That is what this post is all about. I have another one tomorrow and one more come Wednesday. I just have to let it loose in here. Got to let some bad vibes off. Makes me think UP is all exam and no fun.

I have never felt so stupid in my life. Not since my first Chem 17 exam which was the first ever exam I flunked. Oh well, it took me a week to recover. The latest...i have to get-over before this night ends.

What makes me so down is the fact that I did study for that one. Okay, maybe less than usual but I did not just sit on my laurels for crying out loud. This was a major exam which may have affected my life's worth of oppurtunities and careers. Maybe I am a bit exaggerating here but the implications are not that encouraging.

I didn't want to be depressed. We had a cathartic session already down at the Sunken Garden. Just talk and smoke...trying to let it out...but i just can't. I had to let myself be depressed...yield to the undertow of sadness for me to be able to feel the pain of my loss...i think this way, rising above it will be a lot easier.

==++==

when i am in this mood...i tend to shirk down to my cold fortress...maybe i am an escapist...a surrealist...but this is how i deal with things...withdraw, regroup, analyze, then engage the problem again...*sigh...i hope this one makes me a whole lot stronger...for the mean time...i just want to go with the flow...ride the current..swirl in the eddies...yield to the undertow...sleep into oblivion...til the whirr of the crickets wake me and the sunlight take me...I will rise again...

nonsense...

2005-01-06T14:00:00.000+08:00

I've been named lots of names and been described in a myriad of adjectives but this one got through my walls and even tore at my kevlar armors... read: nonsense...

what makes me react so violently is still a big wonder since i've heard lots of worse things before. but this one really ticked me off. what makes a person sensible and what makes him senseless? this for me equates to a person's worth in any way you want to look at it. Who wants to be called senseless and thereby be adjudged nonsense without the intention of wanting to be?

another reason I am frothing with rage is the person who slapped me with this insensitivity. what pleasure does she get from making people round her look stupid. i am a guy with loads of good manners bred to the bone but even my legendary self-control got the better of me this time. i am sick and tired of being her laughing stock. is this how i should see things or am i just exaggerating my reflexes?... when proving my point, she'd interject and blurt sharp comments like gusto nya lang may masabi or gusto lang niyang mangontra! For God's sake! I don't really give a damn if she cares a whit about what i wanted to say that time. I am being mistreated for reasons i don't know. I can take every damn stupid name she wants to call me but in front of so many people?!...

a note from me to you: there was a time i'd give half my world just to have you near but all you've shown me is my being senseless. i try to be better each day, not to impress you or anything but for you to just recognize my substance. i failed apparently. this hurts a lot because i wanted to be better for you. but your cold wicked logic denied me the chance to show you what i'm made of. you made me realize that i don't need to change myself for anyone. not even you. i try to put on too many faces for you but i lost myself along the way. this is me, senseless or not, i am me.

a fresh start

2005-01-05T13:50:00.000+08:00

am back from my hideaway after two weeks of endless booze, sleep, beach, and bitching around hehe. I haven't fully recovered from my hiatus just yet. That aftertaste of beer still lingers and my lethargic body won't budge just yet. I have a new record for the longest bus ride so far, read: 33 hours!!! anyway, the countryside was good and the fresh mountain air was enervating. I had lots of fun riding the ferry which rocked like crazy! Sometimes the boat would be tossed high enough for a stomach-churning dip. The bus bogged down thrice though. So much for their conditioning and stuffs like that. By the time we arrived, I was itching all over for a nice bath.

let us start the new year right. First...I arrived Monday, 330pm rather than the usual 330am. what a delay it was indeed. so there, I missed all my Monday classes especially those that have bonuses for perfect attendance! crap.

Second...without a minute's rest or even just a nap, I crammed for an exam in one of my majors. I stayed in the library til 11pm trying to get my fill of much needed insights. Worse, I forgot to do the problem set assigned for the break. Worst, it was due ALSO the next day. This is the price for my two weeks rest. actually, I guess I just got too lazy to do them. should have...crap.

Third, i failed to watch a movie which by the way, is an exam prerequisite for me. so there, the exam went awfully bad for me but I can't help it. whew! what a sweat...I had to remember how to use all those equations scribbling through my mind. In the end..crap.

Fourth, I have loads of exams underway. I really need that movie doze! Good thing I was able to write in here. Just got to let some of the steam off.

So much for the sarcasm. I am indeed going to start this year right. Those were just glitches and unpolished edges in the plan. No use crying over spilled milk I say so let's start this year with a proud ego. I have survived a year full of bittercold thoughts. I sure have grown up in my own way. This year, I am still uncertain on how things will turn out. All I am sure is, i am armed with loads of experiences and lessons from the past. In the event that I stumble, it won't be too hard for me to get up. I need all the drive and help I could get. No more mediocrity I say. That will be my tantra for the year. Mediocrity is a crime according to my mom. In a world of survival, rationality is just second to instinct.

*I am a shattered soul. I float in an endless limbo of uncertainty. Is it time to pick up the pieces and start over? or is it time to shatter further into nothingness?...

booze tsunami

2004-12-31T07:25:00.000+08:00

Not anywhere near Phuket nor Phi phi. Definitely not in Sri Lanka. Am drowning in my good ol' town. Frothy, bubbly, tangy booze yipee!!!

I am not an alcoholic or anything. I just love the company and the talk that goes with the booze. Had I not known better, I would have guessed this Octoberfest sprouted from my own bundok hehe. Remember Remus and Romulus? hope I got those names right. But that's really beside the point.

We were talking about that tsunami thing during one of our drinking sessions hehe. By the Gods, did you know that we were right at the beach when that tsunami hit Asia? Anyway, according to one of mah friends, it is okay to hav a tsunami but it should be in three flavors: red horse beer (d best seller), GSM blue (definitely a knockout), and emperador brandy (d affordable brandy hehe). To swim in a tsunami of such concoction is heavenly to the point of nirvana that you wouldn't mind a long overdue meeting with Nida Blanca and FPJ.

What is wrong with us people? Nothin' really. The state of things being normal is just an inter-subjective consensus anyway. Let's not be overly critical of people like me who do drink. It is okay to drink and get tipsy or get drop dead inebbriated so long as you get hold of yourslef. I mean, it's how you carry yourself. Why drink more when you've had your fill ayt?

So there...le's drink, celebrate, get drunk and sleep. Besides, that's what vacation is for me.

==++==

I received a message from a soul saying "The entire sum of existence is the magic of being needed by just one person." *sigh. Maybe that's why I can't sem to grasp the meaning of my existence just yet. No one needs me. *sniff.

have myself a merry little christmas

2004-12-25T14:16:00.000+08:00

pasko is real better here in the hinterlands hehe...am not saying that we are that backward you know but i am such a nature freak that a whole year in the city's gonna make me go ballistic. anyway, back to the pasko thing....temp is down to 17 degC and Siberian drafts give me the chills every misa de gallo...funny how kids troop the town in hordes singing their throats dry for that barya. One group tells the next one in line if it's patawad or not. The festive mood is very KEMtagious that we did our own prowling. wohoo! got a thousand bucks for one night.

==++==

so there, I haven't felt the spirit of pasko during the last days of classes maybe because of the eng'g week fevah...it is just so disappointing to note that christmas is overly commercialized in the city to the point of sacrilege. why, just after soul's day and some trick and treats, christmas songs started blaring all over shopping malls(read: SM is sooo pathetic). oh well...we can't blame Henry Sy or his hordes of marketing strategists if they want to be the edifice of christmas celebrations. still...one misses the sincerity and the true meaning of the season.

==++==

why am i making it my problem anyway?...haha, I don't really care a whit whatever happens to the world...christmas has been uberly expensive since time immemorial and our economy can't possibly survive another jitter. so there you have it...I do tend to wander in my own private thought-world...

==++==

I'll have myself a merry little christmas...how i wish that you'd be here...lying with me nice and cozy beneath the stars...it's freezing out here...

the amazing race

2004-12-22T03:55:00.000+08:00

Who said reality tv is pure junk? show him to me right now! hehe...

I've had my fair share of reality-tv-like experience last 17th of December. Let me tell you about it...

I woke up late...gee, what a good way to start a day (pun intended). I just came back from a "victory" party of my dear KEM which lasted til dawn. I bet my mom's gonna kill me if she knew I slept under the stars with fog for a blanket. Anyway, there I was dragging myself to the bathroom for some morning enervation. Afterwards, I started to pack...but lo and behold...my things were still in a great degree of disarray and I don't know which pieces to bring home.

Pads started texting and said that he'll drop by maybe a little over 11 am. We decided to go to the airport together for much needed austerity measures. darn!!! even we can't afford a little luxury...

his little over eleven turned out to be half an hour later. he was supposed to hail a cab at KNL but he said there were no cabs available. We met Sacs and a friend of hers near Molave's waiting shed. Yehey, a taxi fair divided by four is a lot cheaper ayt?! we again waited for another fifteen minutes to no avail. With UP's patience bred in us to the bone (remember enlistment), we decided to transfer to PHILCOA as there are more taxis there. And so the race begins...

We couldn't find a cab available and Pad's flight was scheduled at one o'clock. Then we decided to take a jeep thinking that MRT will be a lot faster than a taxi during that time. We sent Sacs a message that we're on our way to the train station. They opted to ride an FX towards UST. I don't know why actually... So we raced against time...

The jeep we were in dropped us off near GMA 7!!! By the gods! I thought we were lost. We ran like crazy trying to stop any available taxi. One "manong" let us in for a whooping 300 bucks. Anyway, we'd even bite on 500 given that we've got less than 40 minutes before 1pm. I forgot that we were supposed to ride the train hehe!... and so we sat there praying to all holy that we arrive in time. as if fate is mocking us, EDSA was unusally jampacked that noon. To our extreme chagrin, three trains passed us by at EDSA. Pads was already praying that Cebu Pacific flight to Iloilo would be delayed but isn't it their claim that their carrier is 95% on time? And so we started planning fall back tactics hehe. Pads said that he'll ask Pol if he can sleep over since Pol's place is nearer the airport (yikee pol!) He said that Pol is "nice naman"--good thing pol behaved during the Smoker's overnight. Anyway, we were less than two hundred metres away from MIA and since the cab's going to turn around farther on th opposite side, Pads just booted out of the cab in the middle of the road and made a mad dash for the door. I stayed in the cab until I reached the taxi area praying that Pads made it. We were I guess four minutes behind schedule...

then my phone rang, it was Pads telling me that his flight is delayed yipee! so I hurriedly went in since I am also due to leave at 145pm. He was smiling triumphantly and I can't help but laugh at what we went through. We started looking for Sacs but she wasn't there. Pads joked about "yielding" them like the Amazing race that we know...a pity Sacs and friend did not make it to our scheduled flight. we were supposed to be on the same flight. Anyway, I left earlier than Pad's since his flight was further delayed due to technical reasons. Funny really!!! Everytime I remember ourselves running all over EDSA caring not a whit if we'd ever be run-over by a truck or a bus. what an amzing race really...better than the tv. the real thing had my adrenaline to the crescendo and boy, the thrill is incomparable...happy flying!

i'm leaving on a jet plane...hmmm...dadadumm....

pangs of jealousy

2004-12-17T17:57:00.000+08:00

i won't write anything about the recently concluded engineering week coz i think most of your blogs would be teeming with a blow by blow account of what happened...

anyway, the kapanahunan of this story was during that mentally draining and physically taxing week of weeks. if you're not interested....LABAS!!! (in the volume i boomed on little pepot hehe)

and so it went...after those sweaty rehearsals and emotionally loaded moments, I was sitting alone at the tambayan minding my own business...I have been thinking and reflecting on what I have seen the other day...I was reeking with jealousy just at the thought of it.

FIRST EVENT:
Well, we were made to choose groupmates for a problem set to be solved in class...I was praying she'd pick me as a groupmate ("please lord, let her choose me..."). She was saying something about wanting to have a hardworking and industrious groupmate...what is she talking about? i am very much qualified (liar) okay, not that much but I will do it for her...

and the moment of truth came..."hey ----, jan ako sa group niyo ha" aarrgh!....she did not even see me. well, to be fairly honest, he is quite good but because of apparent bitterness, let me say that I am absolutely a better choice. I got teamed with two friends and our report went well!!! just to prove to her that I should have been the one, I guess.

SECOND EVENT:
he was eating and I was like doodling some stray thoughts on a piece of kule. she came within my heart-rate-increasing radius and I began to sweat. they made idle talk while i remained to be the wallflower person I barely assume. idle talk...idle talk...idle talk...then he raised the spoon and offered to feed her like some romantic movie scene casanova...

ouch!!!

did she decline? yeah, but I think she saw me gaping and looking hurt like a dork that's why. Had I not been there, the mushy scene should have happened. I hurled a despairing thought to the highest divinity "why was I there that moment? what do you want to tell me? what did i do to deserve this?!!!what? what? sniff.."

THE KILLING BLOW:
it was the party....damn party...I should not have attended. oh well...

i was sipping some cigars earlier on in the event. downed some wine and poured some more brandy...i was already tipsy and loose-mouthed when I went up to her to chat a little. Idle talk...silence...idle talk...silence...then he came as if responding to a summon from the devil himself. He came to meddle in my euphoric moment of moments. he stood in front of me with his back to my face...practically nearer to her than i was. darn!!!

and he stole her from me right under my very nose...feeling incompetent, i just left...nursing my bruised ego and my rampaging feeling. i lay there, watching them...i don't know why but i just couldn't take my eyes off them...then he casually hugged her with one arm and held her close...still doing idle talk...and she...oblivious....

ouch!!!!

they were like that for a couple of minutes...everytime she feels uncomfortable, she would maintain the distance (yehey) but he would do just that again and again (arrgh!) that was the hurtest i have ever felt since my last breakdown. I almost feel the crushing force as if they were battering my insides. I wanted to run...to disappear from that place in an instant...but I can't...

so I just closed my eyes shut...willing myself to believe that it is not happening...then a warm trickle run down the side of my head...tears...and i just slept my hurt away...casting all the pain into the oblivion of dreams...

it hit home...

2004-12-04T23:00:00.000+08:00

soundtripping...my favorite emotional exercise got the better of me last night...well I was supposed to study for some exam next week but I couldn't muster enough concentration to proceed...

and armed with my little egg speakers, I blasted all frustrations to kingdom come feeling slightly inebbriated by the vibrations drumming through my skin...it is in this session however that I began to ponder the meanings of the songs...and one inconspicuous song hit me...it goes...

.....................................................................

I've driven round in circles for three hours
It was bound to happen that I'd end up at yours
I temporarily forgot there's better days to come
I thought that I would give it just one more chance

Cos I want, tonight, what I've been waiting for
But I found, tonight, what I'd been warned about

You think that you are complicated, deep mystery to all
Well it's taken me a while to see, you're not so special
All energy no meaning, with a lot of words
So paper thin that one real feeling, could knock you down

And I've seen, tonight, what I'd been warned about
I'm gonna leave, tonight, before I change my mind

So see me when your 40, lost and all alone
being comforted by strangers you'll never need to know
not sad because you lost me
but sad because you thought it was cool to be sad

You think misery will make you stand apart from the crowd
well if you had walked past me today I wouldn't have picked you out
I wouldn't have picked you out

now I've seen, tonight, how I could waste my time
and I'll be on my way, and I won't be back
cos I've seen, tonight, what I've been warned about
your just a boy, not a man, and I'm not coming back

.....................................................................

I don't know what to make of it but I somehow shrinked and reconsidered my POV on certain things...still it's more of a personal song for dido I guess so I should not have insisted on some our-feelings-are-parallel idea. It got me thinking though...

echoes from the past

2004-12-03T05:50:00.000+08:00

a friend told me that I should write for myself and not for anyone...yeah, I made it clear early on in this page that this is my place...but the decision to go public was a hard one...

sometimes, people can't relate to my rantings and lunatic gibberish...but the hell with it...why am I explaining myself anyway...oh well...

i received a textmesage from a soul I dare not name...after almost a month of ignoring her, I finally gave in. twas a cheering practice somewhere in marikina when she suddenly decided I need another thing to think about. she asked if I was mad. was I? I don't exactly know...I feel used and cheated and betrayed rolled into one. at first I did not reply...what right have she got to text me anyway...(and i thought I wasn't mad hehe) I just couldn't imagine her nerve to tell me she miss me. "eat your heart out!" was all I could think about that time.

and here goes her play; she's happy with her lovelife now but she can't help missing me (wohoo!)and that she still do love me (hah, nice try). i was almost tempted to take the bait...you know, play a little...but I dared not. That's her craft and I have a funny feeling that I'd end up the big loser...a mistake is forgivable but the same one recurring every month is damn bullshit! (sorry for the term) anyway, I called her up and decided to face the crisis head on...and boy was she speechless. she said something about letting me know how she feels and all that crap. "Is it wrong to be honest", she quipped. "It is mortally offensive to be insensitive", I replied.

and so it went...an offer of friendship from her part...maybe that's her fall back plan because she know that I would not pass up that kind of offer. I think it's immaturity on my part if I'd be adamant on a total communication breakdown...

sometimes I feel like going back to her...to fill the void she created when she left...knowing that someone out there said she still loved me creates this sense of belongingness...telling me I am significant, I exist, I am loved...but the illusion shatters everytime I reflect back on everything that has happened...but

what if it's true?...I might be letting the right person go...the one chance at true love for those hopeless romantics like me?...I don't know where my feet will take me but it will definitely be forward...I have broken the shackles I bound myself with...

"do you still love ,me?" she asked. I said yeah...but in a different manner. that has always been her ultimate question...a desperate tactic but equally effective. I never stopped loving anyone once I did. Honestly...I do love HER...but the woman I loved died years ago...I don't know her anymore and I have been sadly mistaken if I thought she is still HER...HER memory will live on...and I will move on...

my favorite kind of day

2004-11-30T05:30:00.000+08:00

I woke up feeling heady and deranged...I haven't had a nice long sleep for days--sleep makes my head throb and dreams are just full of mundane things too obscure to make out...

I though it was a bit early for me to be up. The sky was laden with angry dark clouds frothing to pound the packed soil with it's wrath. Then a cool icy breeze swept through the open window. I shivered. The cold went beyond my skin...it touched my awakening soul. Chill and warmth mixing, dancing, entwined in the eternal recesses of my solitude. This is my day...definitely!

I haven't had this kind of joy in a long time. Not since my birthday I guess. All others pale to the feeling of oneness with the mood of the earth. It is pained...and so am I. But it is with this pain that we find joy for how can we define joy without the concept of sadness. The sky sobbed...small needles of loneliness falling softly on the ground. The wind sighed. Its cold, wintry breath wrapping me in its longing embrace...

I find happiness in this deathly cold where my thoughts run freely...I have been too long in communion with it that I know of nothing otherwise. What does it feel like to be warm...? I would never know.

Dark, gray, monotonic...that's me. no crap, no frills, no life. I live by my own rules...I don't want to be treated differently because I'm me. Deal with it...or leave. This is my day, this is me...

summing it up!

2004-11-25T17:30:00.000+08:00

Everytime I need to write anything, it's as if I'm tingling all over--a kind of rush that will burst anytime sooner. I feel pathetic. Not in the sense of being utterly helpless but in the trepidation I'd usually feel when you're near. I am pathetic!...I'm even reduced to conversing with myself hoping some enlightenment will dawn upon my dense mind before the evening is through. What seem to be the problem? hmmm....

Actually, there is none...but if you insist...yeah, there is YOU. Damn! I can't even talk to you anymore...because I want you to miss me I guess. I am not really good at pursuing and all the thrill that goes with it because I am mortified, stupefied, (apply any superlative!) by rejection! Who isn't? Maybe my EQ is just too low for me to gamble anything. But the point of the matter is, I'll never get over the bridge if I don't start summoning my courage and take each step right? Torpe...maybe I am just making up this excuses because I am afraid to love again...hell, I am in love again so what's the point? I am afraid to trust anyone...

When I reopened our communication channels, all I had in mind was to be your friend...Alright, maybe a little more than just friends. It all started when we became classmates. Friendship, platonic bonding, joking around, having fun...then something somewhere in me got out of hand. I started seeing you in a different light. Then came the mushiest, cheeziest day of the year, I gave you a bunch of flowers for reasons I still don't know until now. Maybe I was trying to cross the line or maybe I was just testing the waters. But that was it. That was all it...I waited for something, I braced myself for any onslaught of you-betrayed-our-friendship sentiment...but nothing came...and I never got the courage to pursue you or even let the friendship grow. I decided for it to end, abruptly. I don't want to fall for a friend because I am scared shitless of losing you one way or another...but I still lost you though...and everything in me fell apart...

abstraction

2004-11-15T17:05:00.000+08:00

Do I feel too much?
Dwelling too long in storming emotions
Oozing with unhappy thoughts
I reek with anxiety.

I do feel numb.
Not from feeling to much...
I am bombarded with endless thoughts;
The fervent wish to kiss you
Feel the warmth of your skin

I am tightly bound.
Nothing to do but wish and hope
Weakened by this cold fire
Raging, unrelenting, immense.

I can only feel so much.
Been on this road long ago
Had ridden these currents
I've commanded these torrents of emotions
I was Icarus plummeting to the rocks.

Do I feel too much?
Must have been, never again.
Give me hope, give me courage
Your beacon in this dim.

But no smile just for me
A sand in your shoes
A burr in your dress
Biggest pea in your featherbed.
I will live in sadness...but I won't last.

rising from the abyss

2004-11-14T11:09:00.000+08:00

certainly, this is a new outlet for me to vent my angst, frustrations, and all sorts of outpouring I deem fit. I just have found out that I need not burden myself with worthless emotions that seem to drag me down. This is my haven, a solitary soul with nothing much to do. After the dust has settled and the ravaged air has cleared, I linger, I live on, I am a seasoned warrior and I will prevail.

Sigh. I hope I can be all that. I am stuck in this cafe in the middle of chaotic ragnarok sounds while my seatmate digs porn stuff from the net. What a waste. I feel wasted too. I am down at the dregs and all this effort at self-preservation is taking a toll on me.

What the heck! Nobody cares a whit wether I am killing myself for that matter. The world's not gonna miss one desperate solitary soul...oh sorry, I sometimes tend to be overly sentimental...must be the shifting cold season fast approaching.

Yeah, I do tend to wallow in self-pity. It has this cathartic effect. After a moment of thought, I would psyche myself up to be postive and to survive. Such an emotional exercise really. But sometimes it's too tiring. See how desperate I can be. I am facing a rectangular machine trying to smother it with gibberish. I can't even find a shoulder to lean on. Now that's unmanly. Man, we are supposed to be tough, unyielding..and all these talk is making me more or less something else in the eyes of the macho bureaucracy.

I beg to disagree. I don't want to be included in the male suicide statistics which for some reason is mainly due to utterly stupid pent up emotions. Much as I talk about ending my life, hey I am not that stupid you know. Leave the nylons to the clothesline and let the dishwashing paste carouse the plates...not my throat please.

At the end of the day, I still have myswelf though. Everytime I tumble upon that spot..that quicksand that pulls me to the depths of an endless abyss, I try to swim. Though I sometimes wish I could just let the darkness take me. Let the world take care of itself. But nah, I think my journey ain't over yet. I try to swim to the surface, to breathe again, to live. For despair can only do so much. I fought the lethargic pull of eternal peace. I am indeed a seasoned warrior.

Now that's an emotional exercise...